This is an Open Letter from a girl to her boyfriend and it shows how she feels about herself and him when he looks at porn. I think it’s something great to read if you want more of a perspective on how women feel.
I’m making an advice column, asksarah.wordpress.com! Check it out!
My new email is firstname.lastname@example.org if you need to get ahold of me, thank you!
Hello everybody! I know I haven’t posted in awhile, but I will be posting several blogs in the next few days to make up for it! I graduated a few weeks ago with my B.A. in Psych and now I am starting my online M.S. for my Business/Industrial Psych degree.
I wanted to blog about how the pornified culture in the United States is affecting children. Sex sells, and it’s been that way for a very long time. According to Cindy Pierce, “We used to say sex sells, but now it’s sexual violence that sells…Once we become used to one thing or desensitized to it, it ratchets up.” The type of pornography that we’re being exposed to is changing as a whole, and children are some of the first people being exposed to this. “…The 100 top-grossing films of 2008, 39.8 percent of 13- to 20-year-old female characters wore sexually revealing attire compared to just 6.7 percent of 13- to 20-year-old male characters,” and children who listen to sexually explicit music are more likely to have sex earlier than their peers who don’t listen to such music. We can see it in the attire that is marketed to children now:
The first one is a lower-back tattoo that kids can buy out of vending machines at a local store. The second image is of thongs that are sold in the children’s department at Abercrombie & Fitch (notice how the thong is labeled “wink wink” and “eye candy”…). The third image is of a push up bra from Abercrombie & Fitch that is marketed for children. And the final image is of a little girl that is wearing yoga pants, an article of clothing that used to be marketed towards adult women. Isn’t it just disgusting? And it doesn’t help that there are websites dedicated towards taking pictures of unsuspecting women and children in these items and posting them online. How would you feel if you saw a picture of your wife/daughter/sister on one of these websites where men are sharing/jacking off to these pictures?
It also doesn’t help that our culture idolizes women that are provocative rather than the ones who are modest. In the cover image you see Rihanna, Nicki Minaj, Miley Cyrus and Kim Kardashian, to name a few. Note that all of these women have been seen naked due to things like Celebrity Jihad (a porn site that releases real pictures and photoshopped pictures of naked celebs), their own accord, and hackings. In fact, Kim Kardashian released a $700 selfie book where she’s naked in many of the pictures! What kind of message does this send to young women? It doesn’t help that YouTube music videos and ads are filled with half naked/fully naked women. It sends the message that that is what women’s bodies are for, rather than for them to be respected.
In the same article that I shared above, “…Girls between ages 11 and 15 who show signs that they’d internalized sexualized media messages (like preferring skimpier clothing and entertainment media that focused on becoming attractive or getting a boyfriend) performed worse on Texas standardized tests than girls who did not prefer sexualized messaging.” The article also points out the fact that 5-7 year old girls are interested in yoga pants and crop tops, and that although they don’t understand sexual intercourse they know that these articles of clothing are meant to attract boys. Pierce says that body confidence talks should start at age 3 and sex talks should start in first grade. This is crazy to me because my parents didn’t really discuss sex and body image issues with me until I was around 10-11. Parents aren’t prepared to have to discuss these issues with children, but they have to in order to prevent porn from taking full control over children.
This pornified culture has an astounding affect on men. St George Utah discusses raising children in a pornified world. According to Dr. Jill Manning, these are the main messages that are being absorbed by children:
• Sex is the most important part of a relationship
• Bodies that have been surgically or digitally altered are more attractive than natural, healthy bodies
• Rape and violence toward women is not a serious crime
• “No” really means “yes”
• Sex is a physical, recreational activity and nothing more
• It’s okay to act on physical impulses whenever you have them and in whatever way you want
I think these are all alarming messages, especially since all the negative energy seems to be directed/focused on women. I think it’s scary, as a woman, that children are learning that “no” means “yes” due to conflicting messages in porn, and that it is okay to act on physical impulses whenever/however you want. Many young men are being given the message that if they have an erection that they either must masturbate or have sex, and this causes some men to rape women. People need to know that they don’t always have to orgasm when they get an erection, and that there are healthy ways to masturbate and unhealthy ways to masturbate. Porn does not promote healthy masturbation because it causes men to depend on porn to masturbate. Many men say that porn “allows me to finish quicker,” but that is because they’re using porn. If they didn’t use porn and used their imagination they would train their bodies and it wouldn’t take as long to masturbate!
It is dangerous because it teaches men and women alike inaccurate ideas about sex, fantasy vs. reality, and how relationships should be. Men start to depend on porn and then when told to stop they struggle to do so. Women become depressed because they can’t compete with their boyfriend/husband’s porn collection.
It’s not just the pornified culture that is dangerous, but the violent culture too! Violence also sells, but that doesn’t mean that it is good for young kids to be exposed to it. An article from Psychology Today examines the link between violence and young men. A study they performed showed there were visible differences in an MRI scan after only one week of playing a violent video game. “There was a significant decrease in the activation of prefrontal portions of the brain and a greater activation of the amygdala,” and for those of you without a psychology background, let me explain. The prefrontal cortex is the thinking part of the brain associated with concentration and self control, whereas the amygdala is associated with the emotional center of the brain (i.e., depression, anger, aggression and impulse control). So when you see a violent image it means you are losing the ability to concentrate and exhibit self control, and you are actually causing yourself to become depressed or angry, and have poor impulse control.
This makes me sad because just like with porn, children are exposed to violence. The United States has a different attitude on media than other parts of the world: the U.S. is pro-violence and rough sex, but doesn’t really show much nudity in movies if it is plot related. European nations are anti-violence and pro-sex, but even they recognize the dangers of porn. Shawn and one of his best friends were exposed to porn and violent imagery from the age of 10. They have seen lots of naked women and horrific sex acts, as well as violent images of mutilated bodies. I won’t forget the time they showed me a website that they browsed since they were kids and it showed an ISIS beheading. I won’t ever forget that. But it alarms me because most people haven’t seen violence that bad, but kids can easily see it online now, as well as sexual imagery.
It makes me sad because I recognize that porn and sex won’t go away entirely because they sell, but I want to educate people so they can steer away. Even if websites won’t go away we can cause them to lose money by not browsing them. I will be posting another blog about Shawn and I’s progress on my personal blog.
Please report or hack this website. It’s Russian and shares pictures of children in order for adults to jack off to them. It’s disgusting and it’s legal because they’re not naked and not performing sex acts. Shawn came across this website the other day when he was reading about Anonymous and it upset him so I told him I would share this with you. If anyone knows how to take this down please help these children!
I wanted to share the following documentary with you guys, it’s about an hour long but Dr. Lubben tackles her former industry with lots of facts.
Hello everyone! I’m sorry it’s been awhile since I’ve last posted, I just came back from my vacation, I’ve been job hunting, and I’ve been busy with work and school. I wanted to share some articles with you from a wonderful website called Mind, Body, Green. It shares exercise tips, dieting tips, meditating tips, relationship tips, etc. I read a few articles from their Sex and Relationships section: porn is mentioned a lot as something that is detrimental to a sexual and romantic relationship.
Daniel Dowling’s article is called “Is Your Dream Guy Missing This Key Trait?” It is written by a man who is a born again Christian and he gives women dating advice. I will list some quotes below that I liked from the article.
“A woman deserves her partner’s thoughts to be pure enough that she can trust him with all of her love for all of her life; that together, you can be an example for your kids and community; that you can trust him to look at other women with the dignity that they and their future partners deserve.”
“I pride myself on being a man whose thoughts would give you hope for finding a man. If I’m moved by your beauty, I thank God for you; I rejoice over the beautiful creation before me. Then, instead of imagining all the ways I’d jump your bones, I channel my desire upward—I pray for you.”
“I’m not a saint. In fact, five years ago I was the most depressingly average male in all of existence. I watched porn almost daily, masturbated just as much, and lived on my mom’s couch. If I were struck by your beauty, I’d save your image in my “spank bank.” Then I’d do everything in my power to charm away your resistance. With no job and no prospects, charm was all I had.”
“I gave up all the activities that had trained me to have selfish sexual thoughts—porn, masturbation, etc. That was over half of the battle. But the other half was how I responded to women in everyday life. And that was the hardest part.”
Daniel reminds us that porn and masturbation are selfish because it gives other people space in our minds for sexual thoughts that should be reserved for our significant other. It is one thing to appreciate beauty and another to lust over another woman.
The second article I chose was called “How Porn Actually Affects Your Relationship (According to Science)” by Rob Weiss. Notice that both articles are written by men, so far. Weiss says “Continued porn use over time almost doubles the likelihood of a couple getting divorced within the next four years,” and defines infidelity as “the breaking of trust that occurs when you keep intimate, meaningful secrets from your primary romantic partner.”
An overall decrease in relationship happiness and satisfaction, decreased sexual gratification within the relationship, and lack of contentment with the couple’s decision-making process
The more porn one person looks at, the less satisfying the relationship will be over time. Weiss says that when women use porn it can lead to higher sexual satisfaction because men usually consider women looking at porn to be “hot” and because men and women have different definitions of infidelity.
The final article is called “Why Being Sexually Free Means I Won’t Sleep With People On The First Date,” and is by Rishma Petraglia. She teaches us some business terms: value and investment.
Value is defined as the regard that something is held to deserve the importance, worth, or usefulness of a person, place, or thing.
Investment is defined as devoting one’s time, effort, or energy to a particular undertaking with the expectation of a worthwhile result.
Petraglia compares sleeping with someone on the first date versus after some time to giving a 7-year-old boy a bike right away versus making him wait for it. When he waited for it he took care of it, inflated the tires, kept it cleaned, etc. But when he was just given it, he wanted something else a few months later. He wasn’t invested in the bike and didn’t value it because he was just given it.
We have to love and respect ourselves, as well as our partners. G and I just celebrated two years together, and we value each other because we went slow. We have a lot invested in one another because we’ve been together so long. ❤️
With issues like porn, you’re either part of the solution or the problem. Many people aren’t even aware that they’re part of the problem. Casually surfing the web for their favorite nude celebrities, looking up extreme stuff because the basics no longer do it for them, or even just watching porn videos, many people don’t recognize the effect they are having in the world. By choosing to watch a Pornhub video, you’re adding to the cycle of supply and demand. If you watch a woman be anally penetrated, you’re causing that genre to be demanded so the industry wants more women to do that. I read that popular websites online are designed by and created for men: Google, YouTube, Facebook, Twitter, etc. Unsurprisingly, these websites are bombarded with porn and dating ads. These websites also post porn and revenge porn. It is a man’s world, and many women suffer because of that. Many men I’ve spoken to say that the women in the porn industry are there because they want to be. While a small amount of women are there because they enjoy being a sex worker, many porn stars, much akin to prostitutes, are employed in the industry because they want to make a lot of money. Sasha Grey at one point gave a speech and told women to be porn stars if they want to close the wage gap with men.
Shelley Lubben, an ex porn star, wrote an article for Covenant Eyes. The first part of the article gives some intetesting statistics. 85% of all porn in the world is produced in Chatsworth, California. Many agencies have a requirement that their actors don’t wear condoms.
Shelley Lubben gives some more interesting statistics: “It is estimated that there are 4.2 million porn Web sites—12% of the total amount of sites—allowing access to 72 million worldwide visitors monthly. One-quarter of the total daily search engine requests, or 68 million, are for pornographic material, where 40 million Americans are regular visitors. According to comScore Media Metrix, 71.9 million people visited adult sites in August 2005, reaching 42.7 percent of the Internet audience. The United States adult film industry produces 4,000–11,000 films a year and earns an estimated $9–$13 billion in gross revenues annually. An estimated 200 production companies employ 1,200–1,500 performers. Performers typically earn $400–$1,000 per shoot and are not compensated based on distribution or sales. Lobbyist Bill Lyon told 60 Minutes that the porn industry employs 12,000 people in California and pays the state $36 million in taxes per year. When 60 Minutes first spoke to Lyon, he was running the free speech coalition, a trade organization that represents 900 companies in the porn business.” 17% of heterosexual performers use condoms, many feel pressured not to use condoms in order to keep their jobs. 80% of porn stars, male and female, interviewed by Lubben state they’ve caught an STD. As much as 99% of the industry has Herpes.
Many female porn stars work as escorts as well. “Pornographic performers usually prefer escorting because the pay is much higher and sex acts are not as degrading or physically demanding. They receive approximately $100 an hour for working in pornographic films or $1500 an hour for escorting. Adult industry workers who are also pornographic performers get paid higher than other adult escorts due to their celebrity status and can book 2-3 hour appointments and make approximately $3000 a day. Agents also lie to women in the adult industry and lure them into prostitution. Porn Star Erin Moore says, “some agents lie to the girls and tell them they are shooting a scene when instead they set up prostitution acts for them.” Lubben was paid thousands of dollars by porn consumers to have sex with them, and she recalled a story where she gave Herpes to a man and his wife.
The second part of Lubben’s article discusses drug abuse in the industry. In a blog post I will post on my other blog I want to discuss drug addiction. One actress says, “Guys are punching you in the face. You get ripped. Your insides can come out of you. It’s never ending. You’re viewed as an object—not as a human with a spirit. People do drugs because they can’t deal with the way they’re being treated.”
Another male actor says, ““Drugs are a major, major problem in my business. Anyone who says otherwise is lying to you. I can’t tell you the number of girls who have disappeared and dropped out of the business because of their drug problems. It is unbelievably sad to think about, and seeing some of them fall into a downward spiral hurts me more than others. But I think we all can agree that a huge majority of drug users will never change unless they get professional help. I have seen all manner of drugs on set, at parties, in cars, everywhere. If I had to guess, I would put marijuana use at 90 percent of ALL people involved in the industry (performers, directors, crew, agents, drivers, owners, office workers, etc.). I have been on a set where a girl has passed out during a sex scene with me (she was abusing oxycontin). Just recently a girl overdosed on GHB (a party drug that is a clear odorless drug that doesn’t mix well with alcohol) on set. I have seen a girl win a prestigious AVN Award, not show up to accept the award, and then fall into the throes of drug use that caused her to lose at least 50 pounds and drop off the face of the earth. Why is drug use so prevalent in our business? Well, let’s figure that out. First of all, remember that the business is populated largely with girls aged 18-21. And the majority of those girls are uneducated (many haven’t graduated high school). Add to that the fact that many come into the business because they have no money and are working at menial jobs like fast food places. So you have young girls who are uneducated with very little money entering the business.” He is correct: a majority of porn stars are 18-21, there for 6-18 months on average, and many come to the business because they’re uneducated and have no money. “Once they are in the business, they are now making ten thousand dollars a month and working maybe 5 hours a day 10-15 days a month. There are predators out there that can smell these girls and prey on them like sharks. Young, uneducated girls with lots of money, lots of free time, and very little supervision. This is a really bad equation (unless you are a drug dealer of course).”
Lubben discusses a study of strippers where 100% report some kind of physical or verbal abuse on the job, and 91% report abuse with no punishments for the abusers. Despite the fact that it’s illegal to touch a stripper, 88% have been grabbed by the arm, 73% have been grabbed by the breast and 91% have been grabbed by the butt. They’re often attacked in public too. Jenna Jameson stated in her book, “Most girls get their first experience in gonzo films — in which they’re taken to a crappy studio apartment in Mission Hills and penetrated in every hole possible by some abusive asshole who thinks her name is Bit***. And these girls, some of whom have the potential to become major stars in the industry, go home afterward and pledge never to do it again because it was such a terrible experience. But, unfortunately, they can’t take that experience back, so they live the rest of their days in fear that their relatives, their co-workers, or their children will find out, which they inevitably do.”
Many porn stars claim to enjoy what they do. Sasha Grey claimed that she genuinely enjoyed her job, had 75% genuine orgasms and that it was sexually positive to be a porn star. Yet she claimed that 99% of porn orgasms are fake, expressed disgust at some acts she had to do, and wouldn’t want to be abused by a real life partner like how she was in porn. Ms. Grey was exposed to porn at a young age and saw it as an opportunity to jump star her Hollywood acting career. “‘Sasha pointedly decided to have an extreme presence to achieve entree to Hollywood,’ says Nick Jarecki, executive producer of the new Mike Tyson documentary, who met with her last year about a role in another movie. ‘My impression of her attitude is that porn, while part of her pastiche, is ultimately a gateway to her mainstream ideas and acting career.'” She used porn in order to further her career. Many young girls have the same idea, and it’s sad. Ms. Grey is definitely among the minority to achieve success from porn.
G told me about a college classmate he had. She was freshly 18 and a college freshman. She dropped out towards the end of the semester because G’s class found out about a porn film she made. She seems to have regretted it if she dropped out after people found out about it. Many young women go into careers like porn, stripping and prostitution because they feel they have no options. Many times these women don’t finish high school and get tired of working at a fast food joint. Many of these women are intelligent and have no other place to turn to. Many are abused sexually and want to take control of their sexuality. And many, like Sasha Grey, use porn as a stepping stone to get into a traditional acting role.
Like the 99% and 1% in finance, there is the 99% and 1% of the sex industry. The 1% are from good homes, have stable lives and decide to do porn, excel at it and say it’s empowering. Meanwhile, 99% burnout quickly (6-18 months), develop/develop worse drug and alcohol addictions, and don’t make much money. Because men seem to respond more visually to sex, porn is popular. Some women seek to have independence and safety by filming porn in their own homes. Irregardless of whether the actors involved want to do it or not, porn is a social cancer. It teaches us that other people are here for our entertainment and orgasms, and that porn is the only way to masturbate. Many people nowadays don’t even know how to masturbate without porn. Many people overtime become damaged because of the industry: when they realize that they’re looked at as an object rather than a human being.
This is not to say that there aren’t some women who genuinely enjoy doing porn/stripping/prostitution. There are, but they’re in the minority and arguably have psychological issues of their own. I’d say the average person is disgusted at the thought of being a sex worker, and that if you think it is empowering you have deep insecurities that you’re trying to solve with being a sex worker.
Regardless of whether a sex worker genuinely enjoys her job, makes money, doesn’t catch a disease or becomes an addict, sex workers teach us that it is okay to allow ourselves to be objectified. That it’s acceptable to aspire to have sex with strangers. When you watch porn, you are creating a demand and cause many women and men to join the industry. By creating a supply for some dangerous acts, you are allowing people to be abused, catch diseases, become addicts or become deeper addicts, and you are telling young girls that they should aspire to be sex workers if they want to make money. Women who are sex workers often do not want to be in that field of work, but cannot find better work that will pay them well. Many sex workers are lured with promises of wealth, but are taken advantage of. Many start at age 18 and younger (yes, many porn features minors and is illegal), and it’s an industry that chews these girls up and spits them out.
Even Shelley Lubben is lucky, because many ex porn stars don’t have opportunities to become anything else. After her career is up, a porn star may become a prostitute or stripper because no one will hire a known porn star. With sex and porn being so mainstream in our society, it is sad that many young girls continue to model this behavior. Music is sexual, movies are sexual and even commercials are sexual. It all sends ideas to women that why not become a sex object if it means making some money? The average female porn star makes less than a male porn star. I read an article where Levi Johnson, Bristol Palin’s ex fiancé, made $200k to pose for a magazine shirtless. That is more than the average porn star makes in a year.
Women are strong and beautiful creatures. They are intelligent and observational. When a woman is loved and cared for, she will flourish. These women often become doctors, lawyers and other careers. Some women aren’t so lucky and come from broken homes and struggle with school (Sasha Grey was a depressed teenager who didn’t feel happy at any of her high schools and her parents were divorced) and look for love and control by finding careers as sex workers. The average confident woman who goes to college doesn’t assume a career as a sex worker. The average woman studies in order to find a career where she is respected. Choosing a career that involves objectification so directly is indicative of psychological issues. My brother dated a woman who became a stripper and he said she was from a broken home, was abused sexually at a young age and she ended up getting pregnant at 15. She’s married now and is happy, but her first child lives hours away with his father because he’s not happy that his mother did amateur porn and stripping.
Porn, stripping and prostitution aren’t healthy careers. They are often sought by women who are nymphos, drug addicts, have low self esteem, are sexually abused at a young age or who want to use porn as a stepping stone. Look at Kim Kardashian: she got excessive plastic surgery because she wasn’t happy with her looks, used porn to jump start her career, is arguably a sex addict and was forced by her mother to get famous. Kim Kardashian is not someone who most people would want to be, yet why are people like her always in the news?
We need to work to lower the presence of porn or at least make it less abusive towards women. We need to empower young women so they don’t feel they have to take their clothes off and have sex with strangers in order to feel confident. We need to show young women that there are options for them that pay a lot and they won’t be abused. We need to work together to end this abusive industry.
Hello everyone. I wanted to write a blog post on a popular question that porn partners (who seem to be mostly women) have: why does my partner lie to me about pornography? As someone who has been in that position before, it’s hurtful and you often don’t understand why you’re being lied to.
The first reason someone might lie about porn is shame. If you’re a Christian, the Bible and Jesus alike teach us porn/masturbation are wrong because it takes away from the experiences we’re supposed to share solely with our partners. Due to the fallibility of human beings, we make mistakes and are not perfect. This leads to many men being swept up in the whole porn fiasco. Many men and women are exposed at around the age of 8-10 nowadays. Most people don’t have an adult relationship until around 16, so that leaves a lot of time to develop a porn habit. When confronted by a romantic partner the addict panics and resorts to lying in order to keep the partner and the porn.
Another reason someone may lie about porn is because of being taught to do so by someone that the addict looks up to. G looked at porn at around 10. His mother and grandmother both caught him and were upset. He did not understand why and his father talked to him about it. His father said to make sure his mother and grandmother never see it, but not that watching porn on the family computer was disrespectful to his mother and grandmother. Many males have reported scenarios like this, and were taught by their fathers that porn is okay but that females are wrong in how they react to it.
Many porn addicts don’t believe porn is inherently wrong. Because of the fine line between physical and emotional cheating, along with porn, it’s easy to disrespect your partner and not feel that it’s cheating. Many say it’s disrespectful and wrong, but not cheating. This is merely semantics and if your partner says they feel it crosses their boundaries you just shouldn’t do it. Many addicts lie about their porn habits because they want to avoid fighting about it with their partners. It often takes a critical threshold to be reached before an addict can face the music. G and I argued about porn many times. I’d find it in his history and he’d say it was old or that he was unsure how it got there. Even knowing it hurt me wasn’t enough for a long time. It took him trying to stop, failing and being caught for him to want to put more effort in. Since that day 5 months ago today, he’s had minor slips but hasn’t watched videos or browsed porn sites.
Just because your partner keeps failing with his addiction doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you. Porn is a difficult addiction to battle. It’s not like alcohol where you just have to avoid stores that sell it. Porn is online, in the stores, on the media, everywhere. Good intentions sometimes aren’t always enough. It takes sheer will power and discipline. Know that if your partner takes time to open up to you about the addiction that that is a great first step. G has built up strong self control but I know that at any moment something could trigger him. I choose to be supportive rather than angry. It helps because it makes him want to open up to me more.
You can’t choose how he progresses but you can choose how you react. Be calm and supportive, but don’t put up with being lied to either because that’s wrong.