Having Trouble Finding or Keeping a Relationship? Try Quitting Porn!

Today, I am going to be addressing people who have trouble meeting potential partners and those who have trouble keeping potential partners. What does porn have to do with this? A lot. If you are single and constantly seeking out porn, it diminishes the desire that you have to seek out a romantic/sexual partner. Why is that the case? Because you are fulfilling a need through other means. Your brain sees the images and words that you peruse and sees them as real people, so your brain thinks that you are conquering all of these people, and it lowers the want to go out and meet people to fulfill that need.

Fight the New Drug, a website that is known for being against pornography and advocating  for knowledge on fighting the “new drug”, has an article featuring testimonials from seven guys who dealt with porn and beat the addiction. The article makes a good point:

While we know that pornography is a problem that definitely affects girls as well as guys, the fact remains that men are the ones who are most expected in our society to watch porn. If they don’t, they are seen as weird or unmanly.

I’m not going to post every male’s testimony, but I will post Nathan’s testimony because he addresses both the stigma and the negative affects that pornography can bring to young men. Here is Nathan’s testimony:

“Pornography taught me that men and women were simply objects to be used for my own fantasies. This caused me to stray from the truth that people are real human beings with real emotions, and dynamic personalities. Young guys like me, must hold to a higher standard of living to break out of the stereotype that demands all guys are avid porn viewers. Porn left me with a void of loneliness, depression, low self-esteem, and anxiety, but that void has since been filled with a strong love for those who have impacted my life most.”

It is true: men and women today need to be held to a higher standard. No more “boys will be boys,” “he/she can’t help it,” “it’s just sex, what’s the big deal?” “Girls, you either accept that your man will watch porn and essentially cheat on you with his eyes and mind, or leave and become a lesbian.”

Stephanie Pappas’ article talks about how men’s use of porn in their relationship lowers the happiness of their partners. Studies rank women’s views of pornography to be “scathing to mildly positive,” and in one 1999 study, a woman said “These men look at these pictures and say, ‘Look at her. She’s just beautiful. Why can’t you be like that?'” This is precisely how every woman who dislikes her partner looking at porn feels. Another study:

…Stewart recruited 308 college women, ages 18 to 29 years old, to fill out online questionnaires about their current partner’s porn use as well as their relationship quality, sexual satisfaction and self-esteem. All of the women were heterosexual and most were white.

The results showed that women who reported that their boyfriends or husbands looked at more pornography were less likely to be happy in their relationships than women who said their partners didn’t look at pornography very often. When women were bothered by their partner’s porn use, saying, for example, that they believed he was a porn addict or that he used porn more than a “normal” amount, they were also more likely to have low self-esteem and to be less satisfied with both their relationship and their sex life.

Addicts, many of you initially sought out porn to be better lovers and be exposed to a variety of material. But your partners don’t see it that way and don’t get that effect from you. Female partners of male porn addicts rank their satisfaction with happiness and sex lower than those who have partners who don’t watch it. To those who don’t like porn, porn isn’t sexy. It feels just as bad as you being with someone else, because you are inviting other people into the relationship. Girls who post pictures of themselves and porn actors are real people. You are bringing real people into the relationship. Your partner feels betrayed and not very sexy, and your actions are causing her self-esteem to plummet. It’s not her problem, it’s both of your problems. 

You want a better sex life with your partner, want your partner to be happy, and want your partner to feel good about themselves? Quit looking at other people! Regardless of the airbrushing and plastic surgery (we all know that there’s filters and editing to the pictures/scenes), you are seeking out beautiful people and that crushes your partner!

Melissa Orlov’s 9 Reasons Porn Hurts addresses this issue from a marriage perspective, and has a male and female author. “To quote the Supreme Court, “I know it when I see it.”  If your wife thinks it’s porn, you need to consider her opinion, even if you don’t agree.  The issue is whether or not she’s distressed by it…so don’t get into an argument about whether or not something you’ve been viewing is all that bad.”

I will summarize the 9 Reasons:

  1. Sex is when a woman makes herself more vulnerable to a man, and allows him to penetrate her body, mind and soul. When she realizes that he gets aroused by other people, it tarnishes the meaning and emotions attached to sex.
  2. Women see porn as degrading primarily because it degrades them. While it is degrading to men, men often don’t see it that way and particularly like being used to pleasure women.
  3. Many women see porn as “the perfect other woman,” as a mistress. You’re using a variety of women, whether it’s pictures or videos, to stimulate your mind or to sexually arouse you, and porn will never tell your SO what you’ve been doing!
  4. Because porn is readily available, the constant worrying nags at women all the time. You never know if/when your SO will go back to it, and it makes a woman feel she is not in control of her life/relationship.
  5. Porn use in a relationship is insulting. It tells your SO that you would rather take an easy way out than talk to her about what your relationship needs. That you can’t wait for her and would rather look at pictures/videos behind her back.
  6. Now you’re a liar. You’ve likely lied about looking at it to cover your tracks, or because you’re trying to stop and messed up. Trust me, we want to hear the truth! We’d rather hear you slipped up so we can help. We can’t help if you constantly lie to us.
  7. Porn makes you feel that you don’t know your SO at all. You think your partner is fully satisfied with loving sex and a loving relationship with you. You think that you’re special, porn tells you that you’re not all that special. Porn tells you that porn and/or masturbation is more important than a loving sexual relationship.
  8. A typical response from men is that “it’s not a big deal, it’s just pictures/videos.” That reinforces the idea to your wife that you chose something meaningless over her! Those statements also invalidate your wife’s feelings. Your wife needs to know that this is a big deal to you, that if it is difficult to quit you will still try and will keep her in the loop.
  9. This quote sums it up: “The first time I could say that you didn’t understand how porn would hurt me. But now I’ve explained it and you’re still using it! How hurtful is that? Don’t you care about me at ALL???” When a partner slips up and doesn’t tell you, it hurts. The first time that issue comes up, the addict partner can use the excuse that they didn’t know it was hurtful, but the second+ time they do so it hurts more.

Another article I will link to is a woman’s painful experience with pornography in her own marriage. As I’ve said previously, whether or not it is “cheating” is semantics, because every couple defines cheating differently. says cheating is doing something alone that you would’t do with your partner there. To me, pornography is not as bad as physically being with another person, but it is as bad as masturbating in a room with a naked woman, sleeping naked with another woman next to you, being around strippers/prostitutes, or asking a prostitute to be your personal porn star (e.g., asking a prostitute to do certain things, do stuff with other people). To me it doesn’t matter if it is “as bad” as physically cheatig, it is still bad, hurtful and makes you question your sexuality/femininity/ and the loyalty of your partner. Addicts, next time your partner talks to you about porn, please don’t say it’s not as bad as cheating. We want you to validate our feelings and work with us. We want you and love you. We forsake everybody else.

For people like me who give their virginities to their partners, it hurts unbelievably because you choose to forsake all others both online and in person, and it hurts when someone invalidates your feelings by saying at least they’re not cheating, that it’s not a big deal, that it’s just pictures. Addicts and partners, come together and understand each other. Don’t make the love of your life feel small or like their best efforts aren’t good enough. When you choose someone, especially in marriage, you agree to forsake all others. So before you get into a serious relationship/marriage, ask yourself if you’re ready to go the rest of your life without porn, strippers, etc., if you aren’t then you need to talk to your partner. 

A Letter to G.

Since it’s my birthday today, I thought I would gift you guys with a double post. A week ago was and I’s 19 month anniversary. I remember the first time I met him in August of 2014. He’s my rock, my best friend and my love. I decided to write him this letter because I haven’t written him a letter in about a month or so, and the last letter I wrote him wasn’t a happy letter.

Dear G,

I love you. These past 19 months have been wonderful and there is not one day that has gone by that I have not been proud to be your girlfriend. Our relationship has not always been easy and we have had our ups and downs just like any other couple. But I feel that we are special because we get through everything together, and because the love we have for one another allows us to overcome many odds.

Our relationship started as a secret because of us working together and the no dating policy. Despite only seeing each other two days a week because of our differing work schedules, and it being so hard on me watching you leave work to spend time with our friends when I wanted to see you, it was an amazing experience to work together and have all the fun that we did. We progressively started seeing each other more; it went from 2 days to 3 to 6 to every single day. It makes me happy when I get out of school or work because I know I will get to see you, hold you and kiss you.

This time last year we deleted our social media accounts because of problems that we were having. It was a tough time, but we made it through and beat the odds. Even though some people think it is silly to not have social media or to have the rules that we have, these decisions we make are keeping us strong, open and honest. Social media opened the pornography can of worms that I was not prepared to deal with at the time. This last year has been an eyeopening experience for me. It showed me that you truly have to do things differently if you want to see any sort of changes made that you want for yourself and your partner.

Despite all the tough times, I am madly in love with you and my love continues to grow for you every single day. Getting through these trying times shows me that we are truly meant to be together, and are meant to grow in Christ together. It is not always easy, but nothing ever worth having comes easily. You know stuff about me that nobody else knows, and I know stuff about you that nobody else knows. The love you show towards me every day shows that you care about me, love me, and prioritize myself and my happiness. I know that you are human and will make mistakes sometimes. So will I. What matters is that we both put effort into trying hard for one another and we try to be conscientious of what our words, behaviors and actions do to one another, and attempt to adapt to our observations.

You are a strong, handsome, funny and loving man. Your smile warms my heart, your arms warm my body, your feet warm my feet (<3), and everything you do for me shows me how much you love me, and want to be with me. I can’t wait to be Mrs. G someday, and I know that you want to propose at the right time. I want to be with you forever, regardless of your baggage. I want to work with you and help you be the person you want to be, just like how I want you to help me become the person I want to be. I am thankful for you being apart of my life, and for being there for me. For giving me experiences I have always wanted when other people ignored me. For standing up for me and teaching me to stand up for myself. For giving me courage to address my anxiety and depression. For being the love of my life.

I love you G. ❤

Birthday/Update Post! 🎂

Important Updates~

Today is my 22nd birthday! 🎂 I have had a wonderful day so far, is going to take me out to dinner today and he already took me on a shopping spree this weekend. My family and I celebrated my birthday on Thanksgiving so I got some money from my family, a cake, and some gift cards.

Also, today marks my 5th day of being on my new medication, Paxil. It is an anti-anxiety/depressant medication, and I am on a very low dosage and I already see improvements to my personal life. I feel more equipped to deal with stressors in my everyday life, and it helps me not feel so down all the time.

Today is also 25 days of not using pornography (*fingers crossed* that he did not slip up in the mean time). I feel that I have learned a lot from my readers and from blogging, that there are things I have to do differently as well as G . G is very special to me and I know that we will get married someday. We have to overcome these obstacles before marriage, but I know that is definitely possible. I love him with my whole heart and soul and he is also my best friend. He shows me what a true man is. Someone who takes care of me and loves me, and who makes an effort to understand me. He’s human and there will be slip ups, and we are rebuilding that trust as we speak. He is showing me he wants to make the effort to change. Even though it is not easy, has stopped going to websites that he used to in his free time that would trigger him, and he is occupying his time more with games on his phone than anything. Taking advice from my friend M, I’ve decided my partner and I need a clean slate. Forgiveness is so important and this past month has shown me that. I have decided that we both need to be honest when we have our urges-when I have an urge to snoop and when he has urges to look at porn. If I’m honest and tell him when I have urges he’ll be more likely to be honest  with me when he  has urges.

The pain and heartache cannot be undone, but we can choose to move forward and try something new. Advice I have from my heart is this: when you find out your partner has a problem with porn, do not freak out at them. With G, he was caught at a young age by his mother and grandmother, and his father told him to hide it rather than address that it was a problem. Tell your partner that you have problems with porn, but do so in a calm way and understand if you stay with them that you are dealing with this battle with them. I wish I could re-do things and not freak out at G the first time I caught him. I should have been straightforward back then about my hatred of porn and how it affected me when I was younger. I want to help men and women who struggle with this on both ends. You all have to know you’re not alone, that you are loved and cherished by someone out there, and that the secrecy and pain has to stop here.

Why “Porn is not cheating” is simply semantics.

When you look at the word “cheating”, it means to deceive or trick. With relationships that term becomes complicated because there are different boundaries and values with different relationships. In one relationship even texting someone in a sexually suggestive way (sexting) is cheating, whereas in another partners can sleep with whoever they want but if they don’t tell the other person it’s cheating. I think we can all agree though that anything done sexually in a relationship without the consent of the other person is cheating. 
Porn is a complicated thing to discuss because there are various opinions on it. According to A Battle Plan;

The man in this example knows his wife would not approve of this behavior, so he finds a window of opportunity to be alone. He will always destroy the evidence of his deed by hiding the materials and history. The part where he sexually gratifies himself while looking at another woman would not sit well with his wife either.

If pornography is something both people are fine with in your relationship, than there really isn’t much I can tell you, because as long as you’re both happy with it that is fine. But in many relationships porn is hidden from one partner because deep down the other partner knows it’s wrong. If porn was something positive, healthy and promoted family values, it wouldn’t need to be hidden. Usually when one partner doesn’t like it the other hides the evidence and denies that it happened unless it’s right in his face. 

It is all about boundaries. In my own relationship my partner and I try to eliminate all temptation and be honest. Porn has been the only barrier we’ve really had in regards to total honesty. Porn is wrong because you are putting other women before your girlfriend/wife. And yes, internet floozies are women despite any surgical or photoshopping alterations made to their bodies. 

We know we won’t ever be the most attractive person in the world, but we should be to you. When you’re bored/horny you should look at us, our pictures and talk to us rather than resort to looking online at random women who can’t ever talk to you, touch you or love you. I’ve seen so many debates on whether porn is cheating or not, and it’s unfortunate because women always get bashed no matter what reasonable excuses they have.

Cheating is whatever is defined by one/both parties in the relationship and they’re supposed to come together. Not bring other people into the relationship. For me, my man looking at naked women either in pictures or videos, masturbating explicitly to other naked women or looking at clothed women in order to get sexual gratification is cheating in my eyes. You can call me insecure, a bitch, controlling, whatever! But I have the right to my standards. Just like all the women and men out there do who don’t like porn. It’s wrong to say that we’re controlling or insecure just because we want true monogamy.

True monogamy doesn’t include lusting after other people. If you want to do that, stay single. I’ve dealt with pain in regards to porn from a few people in my life, and don’t want it in my relationship. Porn is wrong in my relationship if I say that it is. 

When you deceive someone by hiding something because you know it’ll hurt their feelings that indicates some sort of guilt on your part. Whether or not porn is seen as universally seen as cheating is purely semantics. People decide what is cheating in their relationships, and if you cross boundaries it feels the same as cheating even if you disagree on if it’s cheating or not.

Most of the people who don’t like porn don’t want other naked strangers in their relationship, or it is affecting their relationship in some way. My sex life is affected when my partner looks at porn (whether it’s pictures or videos) and that is not fair to me. I don’t look at porn of any kind because I want to contribute the most I can to my relationship; physically, mentally, emotionally and sexually. I can’t do that if I’m directing any of those things in a way that jeopardizes my relationship.

So next time someone tells you porn isn’t cheating or that it’s better than cheating, you don’t have to accept that. Have your own standards and stand up for yourself. Believe in yourself and don’t let someone make you feel you have to accept something that goes against your morals and beliefs.

How Can You Make Steps to Talk to Others About Pornography and its Harmful Effects?

Hello everybody! I decided to write this post because there are many people dealing with a loved one using pornography and it being detrimental to both of their lives, and these people don’t know how to spark the conversation with their loved ones. It is a difficult conversation for sure and you may be met with skepticism. It is impossible to change someone who does not want to be changed, and it is the definition of insanity to repeat behaviors over and over and expect different results. This blog post should hopefully give you some ideas on how to approach a loved one with a porn problem, and what to do if your talk does not go well.

Step #1: Planning the Talk

Before you go into this conversation with your loved one, it needs to be planned out and you have to know all the facts. How long has this person been using porn? How long has it been affecting your relationship? Is your sex life affected by their porn use? Do they neglect relationships or responsibilities to watch porn? You absolutely have to know the answers to these questions before you can think of approaching the person. If you don’t know these answers, you have to think to yourself/ask the loved one questions to get answers.

Step #2: Initiating the Talk

This is the hard part. First of all, you don’t want to go into this conversation in a hostile way. You’re a disgusting porn addict and I can’t take it anymore! This is a horrible way to handle the situation and you’ll push your loved one into a corner and they will shut down. Start off in a way like this: X, I wanted to discuss pornography with you. I’ve noticed it’s been having negative affects on your life and I want to help you help yourself. When you take this approach it makes the person more likely to listen to you.

Unfortunately, because porn is a taboo subject you may be lied to initially by the porn addict, about the amount of porn they watch, if they masturbate to it, what they watch, etc. You have to show them that they can trust you. Don’t get angry, sad or upset with the addict if they tell you the truth. If you feel they are lying, and you’ll know if they are, you have to keep a mental note of what they told you and have to go back to step one.

Step  #3: Following up

After you revise your talk and prepare yourself, you have to have a follow-up talk. There may be tears, explosive anger, or more lying. The person may not be ready to address any issues that they may have. You have to be patient and understanding, but you also have to keep your guard up. Know when the person is lying to you and don’t be afraid to tell them you know if they’re lying. Know that this issue is likely something they’ve been dealing with for 10+ years. It is not your fault, it is not because you’re not good enough for that person, or that they’re some sexual deviant. It has a hold on that person and they need your support. If you can come to an agreement, that’s great. The person has to be accountable to you or to someone else, and they have to be honest from here on out.

Step #4: Getting help for yourself

A step that many people in this situation neglect is that you yourself need help too, due to the mental and physical stress this addiction may be causing you. Whether it’s professionally, through keeping a journal or by talking to someone about it, you have to get your feelings out. It is difficult to deal with something like this on your own. Your mental sanity depends on you getting your feelings out. I do this by blogging, talking to my partner and confiding in good friends. It helps and I know I’d be more of a mess if I didn’t confide in someone.

As previously mentioned, this is not about you, your beauty, your sexuality, or you not being good enough. It is impossible to compete with billions of different women in photos or videos, so you can’t try. I’m learning I can’t do that myself, and I tried really hard and it was detrimental to my mental health. You have to love yourself, your body and your beauty. You have to know that this is an issue that plagues a majority of men (and a lot of women) today, and that all you can do is be supportive, listen and be there when they fall. It’s hard on us loved ones because we take it personally, we can’t deal with the stress, we try to force honesty when the other person isn’t ready to give us honesty, and it is just overall harmful to the relationship. But you can’t give up on the other person just because things get hard. Relationships are about sticking through good times and bad. It’s hard, especially if you are like me and feel porn is akin to cheating (in a romantic relationship) or makes for bad character (if you’re a friend/family member of an addict). Know that just because they have this addiction does not mean that they are not the same loved one you’ve known and loved.

In the end, you can’t force someone to change if they don’t want to. But you can be supportive and inform them so they can make an educated choice.

Feminism, New Look, New Progress!

Updates 11.17.2016:

Hello everybody! Sorry it’s been awhile since I last posted, I’ve been busy with school and my personal life, but now I’m back! Since I’ve last posted, there have been several changes and updates. The first change is the name of this blog: instead of Sex Positivity, Anti Pornography, the blog is now called Feminists United Against Pornography. This change is to reflect the new goals of the blog and to serve as a way to unite readers together. I have also posted a comment policy, taken from the lovely Soulja4Christ © . This is in order to prevent spam. Also, since I’ve last posted, has gone 13 days without pornography, thank you all for all of your love and support. A special shoutout to for recommending I discuss feminism with my readers.

What is Feminism?

Feminism is a hugely controversial topic. I am linking to Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie’s TedTalk on Feminism, it is very brilliant and does a wonderful job at outlining and going into detail on what feminism is. According to Webster’s Dictionary, feminism is “the theory of the political, economic, and social equality of the sexes.” Sounds dandy, yes? Why am I shifting my focus on this blog to uniting my readers a feminists?  Because pornography goes against all that feminism stands for. Pornography is the antithesis of feminism, because all forms of pornography stem from chauvinistic male pornography. For God’s sake, there has to be a feminist genre of pornography-that says a lot about the mainstream pornography out there. From what I’ve researched, a lot of “feminist” porn is not feminist at all.

Annie Lenox, former member of Eurythmics, in 2014 gave an excellent quote on feminism. When asked about her comments on Beyoncé and twerking, Lenox said the following:

“The reason why I’ve commented is because I think that this overt sexuality thrust — literally — at particular audiences, when very often performers have a very, very young audience, like 7 years older, I find it disturbing and I think its exploitative. It’s troubling. I’m coming from a perspective of a woman that’s had children.”

“Listen…Twerking is not feminism. Thats what I’m referring to. It’s not — it’s not liberating, it’s not empowering. It’s a sexual thing that you’re doing on a stage; it doesn’t empower you. That’s my feeling about it.”

Pornography is not empowering or liberating. You are filming yourself having sex for payment, what can be referred to as digital prostitution. Or you are posting pictures of yourself online for all to see forever. If you post nude pictures of yourself online, you are not being empowered or liberated, rather the opposite. You are allowing for yourself to be persevered online forever and are giving yourself to other people. Twerking is not liberating. Grinding is not liberating. Allowing yourself to be disrespected is not liberating. Having sex without protection to make a statement is not liberating. You are not a feminist if you post your naked pictures on a website for MEN, in order for MEN to masturbate/get mental stimulation from. You are the total opposite of a feminist. 

What Feminism is NOT.

Since we had a discussion on what feminism is, but we also have to talk about what feminism is not. Feminism is not male bashing, hating men, wanting women to be superior to men, and desiring to punish men. Many people have this common misconception. We have to respect our brothers and sisters while advocating for equal rights for all. In my discussions with men who are anti-feminism, many things they cite are not relevant to what feminism is. These men say that there’s no wage gap, no rape culture, that porn is ok, etc. Feminism is much more than just these things.

Feminism is not about tearing men down, disrespecting men, objectifying men, etc. This is why pornography is harmful to all, because men and women are being turned into nothing more than objects who are used due to the size of parts of their bodies.

Why am I posting about Feminism in an Anti-Pornography blog?

Great question! As mentioned above, if you support the porn industry, you are not a feminist. Erotica is different in the sense that it’s written/drawn works, but it still can be used to objectify men and women, whether they’re real or not. This is not always the case, but keep in mind what you’re using erotica for before you use it. Feminism is such a controversial topic nowadays because there’s so many different types of feminism. I am a traditional feminist who believes in social, political and economical equality of the sexes. I do not believe that men are bad people or that they deserve to be punished.

We have to teach men and women that respect goes both ways. If you watch pornography, you are not respecting men, women or yourself. But most mainstream pornography goes against women. This is why this post is mostly discussing it from a feminine perspective. I don’t think by nature that human beings are disrespectful. But watching a pornographic movie or looking at naked pictures of other people when you know your partner doesn’t like it is disrespectful. 

Don Jon, written and stared in by Joseph Gordon-Levitt, tells the story of a man addicted to pornography. I don’t know about you, but I believe this movie is brilliant and should be shown to more people in order to educate them about pornography addiction. Gordon-Levitt is a feminist and anti-porn activist. This Fox News article has a powerful statement from Joseph Gordon-Levitt:

” I wanted to tell a story about how people sometimes treat each other more like things, than like people, and how the media can sometimes play a part in that. I’ve always paid a lot of attention to the reactions people have to movies and TV and things like that because I’ve been an actor since I was a kid and especially recently I’ve heard a lot people say ‘Why can’t my life be like that movie you were in?’ or ‘Why can’t I find somebody like you in that movie?’ and I find that a little startling because real life isn’t like it is in the movies. Real life is actually a lot more beautiful and rich with detail and nuance but you’ll miss it if you’re constantly comparing your real life to fantasies. So that’s why I thought a story about a young man who watches too much pornography going out with a young woman who watches too many romantic Hollywood movies would be sort of a funny way to ask these questions.”

The human body is beautiful, but pornography twists it into something sick. More and more young women today are getting sucked into posting pictures of themselves online or sending them to a partner in order to get some sort of validation from strangers or a romantic interest. A majority of men and some women think pornography is acceptable in 2016. The current Millennial generation has grown up with pornography and feels it is acceptable. We’re so desensitized to other humans’ feelings that as a whole we think it is okay to look at porn when we have a real, living and breathing partner. Young girls feel more pressured to shave every part of their bodies perfectly, douse on perfume, dress provocatively and dance provocatively in order to get men’s attention. Young men are learning from porn and learn that women should be fully shaved, have 36-24-36 body type (big breasts, small waist, large hips), be willing to service them whenever, and that even if you have a girlfriend/wife it is okay to look at other naked women and disrespect her. Men like Joseph Gordon-Levitt are coming out today and getting other men to think about pornography.

Final Thoughts.

Porn is not okay. Disrespecting men or women is not okay. Treating other human beings like objects is not okay. Love, respect and fidelity are what we should all strive for. We all need to unite as feminists in order to spread love, respect, fidelity and equality around the world. To those who are trying and slip up, at least you are trying to make changes. You are stronger than the men and women who continue to fuel this awful industry without a conscience. We have to get the word out about what porn does to men and women alike, how it affects the partners of addicts, and teach people to explore their sexualities alone and with a partner without porn. Thank You.

 

Embrace and Love Addicts, Do Not Avoid Them.

On many blogs that talk about porn addiction, the advice that many people offer is simple: do not date or marry a porn addict. Unfortunately, it is not as simple as that. The Huffington Post says that 90% of boys and 60% of girls are exposed to pornography before the age of 18. Also included are these statistics:

  • Eight in ten(79%) men between the ages of 18 and 30 view pornography monthly
  • Two-thirds (67%) of men between the ages of 31 and 49 view pornography monthly
  • One-half (49%) of men between the ages of 50 and 68 view pornography monthly
  • Christian men are watching pornography at work at the same rate as the national average
  • One-third (33%) of men between the ages of 18 and 30 either think that they are addicted or are unsure if they are addicted to pornography
  • Combined, 18% of all men either think that they are addicted or are unsure if they are addicted to pornography, which equates to 21 million men

As you can see, a majority of men regularly watch pornography, and 18% of all men either believe they are addicted to porn or are unsure if they are: that is 21 million men! It is safe to say that most men have at least watched pornography and there are still a lot who actively watch pornography monthly. Does it make these men bad people? No. It makes them human. We are all human beings and the only one who is perfect is God. We all have our vices, bad habits and things about us that may annoy or hurt others. But I believe these struggles are a blessing in disguise. It teaches us about ourselves and what we have to do differently in our daily lives. Even though it is still a struggle with G, he is learning what he has to do differently. He is learning about what his triggers are, what websites to avoid, and what he can do in his free time that is healthy. You can turn a bad habit into a healthy obsession. Exercise, healthy diet, sex, reading, writing, a glass of wine/an alcoholic beverage, etc., are all healthy obsessions. Porn, excessive drinking, smoking, doing drugs, etc., are unhealthy obsessions.

When you do something that feels good, the brain recognizes that feeling and it builds something called “muscle memory”, also known as brain plasticity. Even if it feels lousy afterwards, it feels good in the moment so the brain remembers this. It is why it is often difficult for an addict to break an addiction. There may be withdrawal symptoms, like shaking, pain, and thinking about the addiction. Many addicts also suffer from problems like anxiety, depression, and use their addictions as a way to cope with life.

We all use things to cope with life, just some of us get addicted to those things and don’t know how to deal with the bad in life without something comforting. For people like G who don’t even masturbate and who eat and look at porn to feel some sort of comfort and control, it is understandable why it is difficult to break bad habits. Habits like porn and eating follow us throughout our whole lives, and it is hard to break away from something that is short term medicine.

But life is not about self-medicating on large doses, but rather about facing life head on without medicine or a band-aid. People as a whole feel insecure. We feel we have no control over our lives, so we push ourselves beyond our limits in order to get a rush and feel in control. Viewing porn and eating food stimulates our minds and makes us feel good, even temporarily. Some days are better than others because we are humans and we are also unpredictable. But attempting to control one’s own life in a healthy way is better than doing things that are harmful to themselves or other people.

Addictions aren’t just things that hurt you, but they hurt others. Whether it is because of the pain of watching someone you love self destruct (my brother is an alcoholic), or whether it’s because the thing they are doing hurts you personally (when my boyfriend watches porn it hurts me), the pain is unbearable for others. Think of how your behavior affects those closest to you before you act.

Turmoil.

Let me start off this blog post by saying that today has been porn free for a week. I am very proud of him, I know it is not always easy for him but I thank God everyday for allowing to find some form of salvation. ✞

I myself had an…interesting childhood. I was a shy kid and did not have a lot of friends. I got bullied throughout middle school, and somewhat in high school. When I was naïve and young, I did not understand how men were trying to manipulate me into exposing information about myself. At age 10 I dated a boy in 5th grade and he would kiss me, hold my hand and write me notes, only to get information about me that others could use to make fun of me with. I did not have a lot of friends. Without going into detail, from the age of around 12 or so I revealed information about myself that I should not have to strangers. I remember being 14 on a RPG based website and I found myself in a sort of relationship online. My brother and father noticed I was talking to him, freaked out and forbade me from talking to him again. Even so, I recall the man I was talking to online asking me for pictures, pressuring me to reveal my face and possibly other parts of myself. When I tried giving him fake pictures, he got mad at me and wouldn’t talk to me anymore. He wouldn’t even be my friend.

I choose not to let these circumstances define who I am. I turn 22 in a few weeks, I’m graduating college in May and I have a loving family, boyfriend and friends. I also suffer from depression and anxiety, so many issues in my life that may seem small to some are a lot more difficult for me to deal with. On the 21st it will be a year and seven months between G and I. remains my best friend, loving partner and a confidant. I am proud of him for beating drug and alcohol addictions. December 20 of this year will be 2 and a half years of being sober from hard drugs. When got out of rehab in July 2014, he started going to the gym 2x a day everyday, went to church with his family, and took a few months off from hanging out with his friends. Even when he resumed hanging out with his friends, he did not hang out with friends that continued to do drugs and drink. He has not relapsed

Throughout his life has always been a fighter and has worked hard on overcoming things. It is not always easy. G’s life hasn’t been easy. He tried seeking happiness in other outlets. I always try to say a prayer for because he is so strong and does so much to help others that he often forgets about helping himself. As a child of 11, was exposed to pornography and violent imagery by his best friend. Since then it’s been about chasing a high. Like with other drugs, you are always chasing that first, initial high. Porn is different than most drugs in the sense that even after years of sobriety it is easy to slip up and you still require strong stimuli Even though it is hurtful, I know that is not trying to hurt me and is doing his best to sort this addiction out like he did with the others. It is still difficult for me but I continue to pray daily for in hopes that he continues to make progress.

It is still very difficult for me. Every day I think about everything that has happened. I do my best to channel a majority of my feelings into blogging and helping others, but it does not remove some of the thoughts from my mind. I do my best to set aside my feelings in order to be objective and supportive of G. It is hard to deal with it sometimes. My family accuses me of being controlling and limiting his masculinity, on an app I use to track my period and interact with other women these women accuse me of the same thing, and there are more support groups for the addicts than the significant others of addicts.

I often question myself, if I am doing the right thing by helping G. It is very difficult to deal with on my own. I try to look past my own pain, insecurities and self-doubts to help the one I love. is the man that I am going to marry someday, and I want to support him. It hurts more than you could possibly know. For me, it is not even so much the pornography, but the secrecy involved. It makes you afraid of things that can trigger compulsion to view pornography, and it makes you afraid of being lied to again. The lies are what hurt more. It is overwhelming daily to wonder if it’ll happen and whether or not he’ll tell me. I’ve found out about several instances where he slipped up, and it took me confronting him for him to tell me the truth. He felt compelled to spare my feelings so he wouldn’t tell me a few times unless the evidence was there. It makes me feel not worthy of the truth sometimes. It makes me feel horrible for not being more approachable and calm with the subject so he will feel he can talk to me. I’m trying so hard to be calm and supportive of him so he will tell me. It’s like a knife being dug into my heart. It would make me feel more secure and better if he told me every time he slipped up because it would show me he’s being accountable. I know he is trying and does not intend on certain things causing him to slip up, but my hopes are that someday he will feel more comfortable talking to me about this so when he slips up he can just tell me. I try very hard to be approachable, but it does not take away the pain. But for now I try to deal with it on my own, and be supportive of him. I will be happy when he is no longer afflicted with this addiction.

An Open Letter to Addicts, their partners and their Loved Ones.

Dear Addicts/Loved Ones of Addicts,

I am writing this letter both as a way to help others, and as a way to cope with my partner’s own battle with pornography. For the sake of this article, my partner will be referred to as G. Also, for the sake of this article I will be discussing this from a female partner, male addict perspective. I acknowledge that there are female addicts and male partners, as well. This battle is never easy for the addict and the one that they love. For the addict, it is an everyday battle. As cliché as this is, it truly is an everyday battle for the addict. Someday they may no longer have lingering thoughts and an internet ad may no longer be a trigger, but that does not remove the potential for anything becoming a trigger. For the partner of the addict, everyday is also a battle. Everyday the partner of an addict is worried about when the addict is alone, if something they see or hear will cause them to relapse, if they will relapse and not tell them, or if their partner will get bored with them eventually. As you can see, there is pain on both sides of the fence. It is never easy to deal with this issue on one’s own, but one also cannot deal with an addiction or being the loved one of an addict on one’s own.

For many people like G, exposure to pornography begins at a young age. 90% of men have seen porn between the ages of 8 and 16. That puts the average exposure age at about 12 years old. For many men, they are exposed to pornography by a friend or family member. They are too young to fully appreciate what they are seeing and their brain begins to use it as means to cope with something like boredom and stress, but it also is something that is easily triggered. For G, who wants to stop using and does his best to avoid triggers, it is difficult when he is browsing a website and an ad is present that makes him want to look at pornography, and he has relapsed several times. Possibly several times more than I am aware of.

For the partners of people like G, other women and myself have to deal with this battle every single day. It is not something as simple as not thinking about it. When you have been hurt many times, been lied to many times and begin to question your beauty and femininity, it is not something that a 90 day abstinence period will fix. When the one you love lies to you repeatedly and says that they haven’t relapsed, or that they did but only once, or that they relapsed three times, it makes it very difficult to trust. Even though I know is trying and that it is part of his journey to relapse, it does not make it easier on myself. Their shame, embarrassment, and disappointment in themselves cause them to conceal their relapses out of fear of judgement and disappointment. When relapsed this weekend, he lied to me but I knew very well that it had happened. When I had proof, informed me of his relapse and even then he was nervous to tell me. This morning he told me that he did not want me to not be proud of him and did not want to hurt me/cause me pain, so he concealed it.

For many porn addicts, they have also been addicts of other things. has suffered from drug and alcohol addictions, is a former smoker, and struggles with his diet. He beat drugs and alcohol and is conscious of what he has to do with his diet. Due to having previous addictions, the brain is dependent a lot on the taking in of dopamine. It is why some addicts like don’t even have to masturbate to the material. Taking in the images in the mind is mentally stimulating to them. Due to the material being present in simple ads, pornographic websites or websites designed to post pictures of women that are clothed (e.g., websites dedicated to posting pictures of women in yoga pants), it is difficult for people to entirely avoid.

Relapse is important for a recovering addict. They have to learn what works and what doesn’t work. is learning from this relapse that even avoiding pornographic websites is not enough. Pornographic material can be present on basic websites. For example, we both like People of Walmart, and it is not a pornography website but there are pornographic ads! Relapse should teach an addict that they relapse at X times, X days, over X material, and they handle it by X. So, when an addict learns from their relapse, they can learn what they need to avoid or learn to cope with in order to prevent future relapses.

Despite the hope out there for addicts, it does not offer 100% comfort to the partners of addicts. I know that even though will be free someday, it does not entirely heal my pain. It is an everyday thing for me just like it is for him. I’ve learned that you have to take it everyday at a time. Setting goals too early can put too much pressure on an addict and cause relapse. Promoting honesty and openness is important too. still struggles with being open and honest when it happens, but if you can get an addict to be honest at some point it is helpful. Know that there can be strong emotional responses throughout this on both sides. Last night my partner had a highly emotional response (for him) and I kept my cool. But that doesn’t negate the fact that I’ve cried myself to sleep at least two dozen times on this issue, had panic attacks wondering if something I did/said could lead to a relapse, or the fact that I never know what is going to pop up when we’re watching tv, are browsing online, or when he is alone.

But what I’ve learned is that the first step is developing a good faith effort. Being able to open up with someone. Respecting the one you are with enough to know they deserve the truth and the ability to be fully aware of a situation. Knowing a habit of yours makes the person you’re with feel ugly, not beautiful at all, depressed, anxious, possibly suicidal, and makes them question whether they are enough for you sexually. Remember, cheating is defined as defrauding or swindling someone out of a healthy relationship. Online materials like pornography are quickly being added to the adultery definitions. Always be open and honest. If someone loves you they’ll help with an addiction but you have to be honest.

Honesty.

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Hello everybody! Before I start this blog post, today is Nov. 8! Election Day in the United States. I’ve already cast my ballot, so should you. Remember your vote always counts and could make a difference in this election. 🇺🇸

This blog post is going to be on an important part of the recovery process, honesty. 

Addictions feed off of dishonesty, deceit and shame. Especially with the topic of pornography. Pornography is taboo, not often discussed, and when someone realizes it is addictive, they are often shamed by others. My partner is struggling with pornography and when I have gone to others to cope, I have been severely shamed for my views on it. He’s a man, he has the right to use porn. You’re just being an insecure, jealous woman, let him use porn. It’s better he look at porn than cheat on you! There’s no such thing as porn addiction, men just love women’s bodies! You better get used to it now, you’ll never be able to be with someone who doesn’t use porn. As you can see, the significant others get shamed for wanting to help their addicted partners. This article, like the previous one, tackles this issue from a male addict and female partner perspective. I know there are many female addicts and male partners out there.

With the backlash against the significant others, one can only imagine the backlash against the addicts themselves. When an addict (primarily a man) comes forward, people laugh at him and shame him! Ironically, at least in the US, there’s this drive for political correctness, but also a drive for sex to be forced upon us! We grow up with sex and are exposed to it at as ages as young as 8! It is very difficult for those with an addiction to porn to get proper support, so often it comes from the significant other or others struggling with this addiction.

Due to all of the shame surrounding this topic, honesty is sometimes difficult for the addict and the partner of the addict. In the early stages, the addict may not feel that they have a problem. The partner does feel it is a problem. Because the addict does not feel that it is a problem and they know it bothers their partner, they will probably lie a lot in the beginning. They want to spare their partner’s feelings and does not want to deal with the tears, yelling or fighting that may result if their partner finds out they were looking at porn again. In the early stages, on the partner’s part, the partner typically holds their feelings of disappointment, pain, sadness and anger inside of them. This causes tension on both sides.

Hopefully, sooner than later, the addict finds out that his behavior is problematic and attempts to make subtle changes. They acknowledge and understand that the pain they are causing their partner is real. They realize that the pain they are giving their partner is their fault, that their partner’s feelings are valid and that they have to change. However, change is not easy in the beginning, especially with an often 10+ year habit. The addict tries to make basic changes: This website tempts me, these types of advertisements tempt me, talking about this makes me feel tempted, browsing  at these times tempt me, etc. But in the beginning, due to this being a long habit, there will be relapses. Relapses are an important and necessary part of recovery for most addicts. Some addicts can quit cold turkey. A majority of addicts have addictive personalities  and can quit some addictions easier than others. But even taking these precautions isn’t always enough. An addict can be browsing a website with no pornographic material and see trending today advertisements that are pornographic and it can cause a relapse.

I will do a post on advertisements and social media soon, but just know that advertisements are about 50% what you click on, search, etc., while 50% are called “trending today” advertisements. Trending today ads are that are typically revenue generated. Meaning, the ad companies get money for every click (e.g., $.10 per click). These ads are unfortunately not avoidable without ad blocker software. If you clear your cookies, browsing history and search history and you still see pornographic ads, it is likely a trending today ad. Unfortunately for porn addicts, it means they have to avoid websites with trending today ads.

In the beginning of any addiction, dishonesty is to be expected. The addict does not acknowledge they have a problem and lies to avoid hurt feeling. The addict does know they have a problem and lies to avoid hurt feelings and disappointment. But the sooner an addict and partner realize that they have to be honest with one another, the better. In my experience as a partner, I realized that I myself was not completely honest about my feelings on pornography, and I realized I was hurting myself by trying to force myself to be okay with something that hurts me. I also realized that you cannot get too angry or upset with your partner. In order to facilitate a healthy open discussion, you have to resist the urge to freak out at your partner. I am learning this skill now and have been dealing with this issue for over a year.

Partners, you are never to blame for the addiction. But that does not negate the fact that it hurts you. I think about everything I’ve seen from my partner’s addiction almost every day, if not every single day. I can’t unsee the searches. Seeing searches for the most beautiful and perfect women hurts my femininity, ego and heart more than you could possibly imagine. Knowing my partner has seen the bodies of thousands and thousands of women hurts me. Worrying that there are possibly more relapses than you are aware of, and your partner being too scared to tell you is hurtful. Despite all this pain and sadness and depression you may be feeling, you still have to work with your partner. They are hurting too deep down. A lot of addicts are channeling feelings of boredom, sadness, loneliness, depression and anger into this addiction. This addiction needs to be starved. Express your feelings! Don’t hold them in in order to prevent a fight. Your voice deserves to be heard. Find a support network or activity, whether it is writing a journal, blogging, joining a support forum (e.g., No Fap, Fight the New Drug, Reboot Nation).

Addicts, you have to acknowledge sooner than later that your addiction is hurting yourself and others around you. Know that even if you try to rationalize that it has nothing to do with your partner, your partner will never feel that way. Your partner knows that it is not their fault that you are addicted to porn, but they take it personally when you are fascinated with ogling naked, beautiful women. Know that even though you feel alone, so does your partner! Your partner gets chastised and told to submit to you and let you be a man. There are not many support networks for your partner to go to. Use these feelings to come together rather than becoming divided. As hard as it is for you to digest, understand that when you lie to your partner about a relapse, it makes them feel like they are not enough for you, makes them question things they shouldn’t question, and makes them feel even more alone.

Addicts, we know that you love us very much and do not intentionally cause us harm and pain. We know that this is a 10+ year struggle for you and that it is not something easy to talk about. We know that you love us, our bodies, making love with us and being with us. We know that it is very easy for you to be triggered by anything and everything. But just know it is not easy for us to deal with this. Every time you lie to us, it digs a knife into our hearts. 😦 When you get scared to tell us when you slipped up because you don’t want to upset us, it upsets us even more. As women we are nurturers and care givers and want to help you, so when you reject our help it is painful to us.

Every day is a battle and a mystery. We don’t know what tomorrow holds and you have to live in the moment. Making simple changes and involving your partner gives you that accountability to someone. You won’t beat an addiction without involving someone else. You have to learn to cope with whatever is hurting you in a healthy way. You have to love your partner as much as I know you do and open up to them. But as partners we have to be open and understanding. As easy as it is to shut down when our partner tells us they’ve relapsed again, we have to be open and understanding. “You’re stupid and don’t understand me! You keep messing up and hurting me!” is not the way to get this addiction out of your lives. “I understand. If you don’t mind me asking, what were you doing when you relapsed. How many minutes/hours/days did you relapse? What do you need to do differently.

As easy as it is to walk away from a porn addict, you can’t. You have to work together to cope with this. You are both hurting and have to work on communicating and building trust. If these two things are missing, you are potentially jeopardizing your relationship. Addicts, support your partner, encourage them to vent their feelings (if you can’t handle discussing because it’s a trigger, encourage them to write), and reassure them that despite your shortcomings, they are number one to you. Partners, support your addicted partner, vent your feelings and get support, encourage your partner to be open and honest, and develop a system where they feel they can talk to you.