Let me start off this blog post by saying that today G has been porn free for a week. I am very proud of him, I know it is not always easy for him but I thank God everyday for allowing G to find some form of salvation. ✞
I myself had an…interesting childhood. I was a shy kid and did not have a lot of friends. I got bullied throughout middle school, and somewhat in high school. When I was naïve and young, I did not understand how men were trying to manipulate me into exposing information about myself. At age 10 I dated a boy in 5th grade and he would kiss me, hold my hand and write me notes, only to get information about me that others could use to make fun of me with. I did not have a lot of friends. Without going into detail, from the age of around 12 or so I revealed information about myself that I should not have to strangers. I remember being 14 on a RPG based website and I found myself in a sort of relationship online. My brother and father noticed I was talking to him, freaked out and forbade me from talking to him again. Even so, I recall the man I was talking to online asking me for pictures, pressuring me to reveal my face and possibly other parts of myself. When I tried giving him fake pictures, he got mad at me and wouldn’t talk to me anymore. He wouldn’t even be my friend.
I choose not to let these circumstances define who I am. I turn 22 in a few weeks, I’m graduating college in May and I have a loving family, boyfriend and friends. I also suffer from depression and anxiety, so many issues in my life that may seem small to some are a lot more difficult for me to deal with. On the 21st it will be a year and seven months between G and I. G remains my best friend, loving partner and a confidant. I am proud of him for beating drug and alcohol addictions. December 20 of this year will be 2 and a half years of G being sober from hard drugs. When G got out of rehab in July 2014, he started going to the gym 2x a day everyday, went to church with his family, and took a few months off from hanging out with his friends. Even when he resumed hanging out with his friends, he did not hang out with friends that continued to do drugs and drink. He has not relapsed
Throughout his life G has always been a fighter and has worked hard on overcoming things. It is not always easy. G’s life hasn’t been easy. He tried seeking happiness in other outlets. I always try to say a prayer for G because he is so strong and does so much to help others that he often forgets about helping himself. As a child of 11, G was exposed to pornography and violent imagery by his best friend. Since then it’s been about chasing a high. Like with other drugs, you are always chasing that first, initial high. Porn is different than most drugs in the sense that even after years of sobriety it is easy to slip up and you still require strong stimuli Even though it is hurtful, I know that G is not trying to hurt me and is doing his best to sort this addiction out like he did with the others. It is still difficult for me but I continue to pray daily for G in hopes that he continues to make progress.
It is still very difficult for me. Every day I think about everything that has happened. I do my best to channel a majority of my feelings into blogging and helping others, but it does not remove some of the thoughts from my mind. I do my best to set aside my feelings in order to be objective and supportive of G. It is hard to deal with it sometimes. My family accuses me of being controlling and limiting his masculinity, on an app I use to track my period and interact with other women these women accuse me of the same thing, and there are more support groups for the addicts than the significant others of addicts.
I often question myself, if I am doing the right thing by helping G. It is very difficult to deal with on my own. I try to look past my own pain, insecurities and self-doubts to help the one I love. G is the man that I am going to marry someday, and I want to support him. It hurts more than you could possibly know. For me, it is not even so much the pornography, but the secrecy involved. It makes you afraid of things that can trigger compulsion to view pornography, and it makes you afraid of being lied to again. The lies are what hurt more. It is overwhelming daily to wonder if it’ll happen and whether or not he’ll tell me. I’ve found out about several instances where he slipped up, and it took me confronting him for him to tell me the truth. He felt compelled to spare my feelings so he wouldn’t tell me a few times unless the evidence was there. It makes me feel not worthy of the truth sometimes. It makes me feel horrible for not being more approachable and calm with the subject so he will feel he can talk to me. I’m trying so hard to be calm and supportive of him so he will tell me. It’s like a knife being dug into my heart. It would make me feel more secure and better if he told me every time he slipped up because it would show me he’s being accountable. I know he is trying and does not intend on certain things causing him to slip up, but my hopes are that someday he will feel more comfortable talking to me about this so when he slips up he can just tell me. I try very hard to be approachable, but it does not take away the pain. But for now I try to deal with it on my own, and be supportive of him. I will be happy when he is no longer afflicted with this addiction.