Turmoil.

Let me start off this blog post by saying that today has been porn free for a week. I am very proud of him, I know it is not always easy for him but I thank God everyday for allowing to find some form of salvation. ✞

I myself had an…interesting childhood. I was a shy kid and did not have a lot of friends. I got bullied throughout middle school, and somewhat in high school. When I was naïve and young, I did not understand how men were trying to manipulate me into exposing information about myself. At age 10 I dated a boy in 5th grade and he would kiss me, hold my hand and write me notes, only to get information about me that others could use to make fun of me with. I did not have a lot of friends. Without going into detail, from the age of around 12 or so I revealed information about myself that I should not have to strangers. I remember being 14 on a RPG based website and I found myself in a sort of relationship online. My brother and father noticed I was talking to him, freaked out and forbade me from talking to him again. Even so, I recall the man I was talking to online asking me for pictures, pressuring me to reveal my face and possibly other parts of myself. When I tried giving him fake pictures, he got mad at me and wouldn’t talk to me anymore. He wouldn’t even be my friend.

I choose not to let these circumstances define who I am. I turn 22 in a few weeks, I’m graduating college in May and I have a loving family, boyfriend and friends. I also suffer from depression and anxiety, so many issues in my life that may seem small to some are a lot more difficult for me to deal with. On the 21st it will be a year and seven months between G and I. remains my best friend, loving partner and a confidant. I am proud of him for beating drug and alcohol addictions. December 20 of this year will be 2 and a half years of being sober from hard drugs. When got out of rehab in July 2014, he started going to the gym 2x a day everyday, went to church with his family, and took a few months off from hanging out with his friends. Even when he resumed hanging out with his friends, he did not hang out with friends that continued to do drugs and drink. He has not relapsed

Throughout his life has always been a fighter and has worked hard on overcoming things. It is not always easy. G’s life hasn’t been easy. He tried seeking happiness in other outlets. I always try to say a prayer for because he is so strong and does so much to help others that he often forgets about helping himself. As a child of 11, was exposed to pornography and violent imagery by his best friend. Since then it’s been about chasing a high. Like with other drugs, you are always chasing that first, initial high. Porn is different than most drugs in the sense that even after years of sobriety it is easy to slip up and you still require strong stimuli Even though it is hurtful, I know that is not trying to hurt me and is doing his best to sort this addiction out like he did with the others. It is still difficult for me but I continue to pray daily for in hopes that he continues to make progress.

It is still very difficult for me. Every day I think about everything that has happened. I do my best to channel a majority of my feelings into blogging and helping others, but it does not remove some of the thoughts from my mind. I do my best to set aside my feelings in order to be objective and supportive of G. It is hard to deal with it sometimes. My family accuses me of being controlling and limiting his masculinity, on an app I use to track my period and interact with other women these women accuse me of the same thing, and there are more support groups for the addicts than the significant others of addicts.

I often question myself, if I am doing the right thing by helping G. It is very difficult to deal with on my own. I try to look past my own pain, insecurities and self-doubts to help the one I love. is the man that I am going to marry someday, and I want to support him. It hurts more than you could possibly know. For me, it is not even so much the pornography, but the secrecy involved. It makes you afraid of things that can trigger compulsion to view pornography, and it makes you afraid of being lied to again. The lies are what hurt more. It is overwhelming daily to wonder if it’ll happen and whether or not he’ll tell me. I’ve found out about several instances where he slipped up, and it took me confronting him for him to tell me the truth. He felt compelled to spare my feelings so he wouldn’t tell me a few times unless the evidence was there. It makes me feel not worthy of the truth sometimes. It makes me feel horrible for not being more approachable and calm with the subject so he will feel he can talk to me. I’m trying so hard to be calm and supportive of him so he will tell me. It’s like a knife being dug into my heart. It would make me feel more secure and better if he told me every time he slipped up because it would show me he’s being accountable. I know he is trying and does not intend on certain things causing him to slip up, but my hopes are that someday he will feel more comfortable talking to me about this so when he slips up he can just tell me. I try very hard to be approachable, but it does not take away the pain. But for now I try to deal with it on my own, and be supportive of him. I will be happy when he is no longer afflicted with this addiction.

16 thoughts on “Turmoil.

  1. Soulja 4 Christ November 13, 2016 / 2:06 pm

    Thank you, your honesty is refreshing! it’s sad how others act like porn is no big deal and then are quick to judge but the minute it starts to ruin their relationship then it becomes a big deal to them. I wish others weren’t so quick to judge others and make the suffering party feel shame and more hurt, but unfortunately people in this world do not care unless it affects them straight on.

    Liked by 1 person

    • sexpluspornminus November 13, 2016 / 2:07 pm

      I’ve always hated it cuz of traumatic experiences as a child, so it hurts more because I feel people are dismissing what has happened in my life too. :/

      Like

      • Soulja 4 Christ November 13, 2016 / 3:15 pm

        I apologize for the late response I just got back from church. Unfortunately childhood trauma can add to the mix of hurt especially when others dismiss your stance because they don’t fully understand or disagree with the stance you take. My wife as well, was dismissed as an child a lot and she hates porn because she was molested at a young age. So as of now in her adult years she became dismissed when she made a stance against my porn usage and it hurt her dearly and brought up childhood trauma that added to her pain when others would dismiss her dislike of my porn usage.

        She had to at one point distant herself from some of the people because it got that bad between them. I’m telling you this so can be reassured you’re not alone in your fight against porn and that there is other people in your stance circle. The hurt is momentarily and you will gain strength from the pain and you will grow from it. .

        Liked by 1 person

      • sexpluspornminus November 13, 2016 / 3:17 pm

        Thank you. My boyfriend and I have been talking more and we seem to understand each other better. You helped me understand that it’s not my fault and it helps him open up more. He’s disappointed he had to start over but he’s doing good at 9 days. He said it’s ads and commercials mostly and that he feels lousy afterwards but he’s understanding more that he has to try to avoid things

        Liked by 1 person

      • Soulja 4 Christ November 13, 2016 / 3:32 pm

        You’re welcome! that’s great news that you two are growing closer and that he’s 9 days strong. I’m not far behind him with my day’s strong as well… Setbacks sometimes teach us new things we otherwise wouldn’t learn about oneself.

        I know he doesn’t want to block websites and he can use adblock plus to just block ads https://adblockplus.org/ that’s what I do because ads are one of my many triggers.

        I am glad to hear I was able to help you understand it’s not your fault. I encourage you to reassure your boyfriend that if he feels the urges to watch porn to come to you and share those feelings with you. I found that by doing this with my wife that she was able to share valuable insight and help me to make better choices because by talking to her I was able to refocus my mind off the the triggering urges and it may work for him as well.

        Liked by 1 person

      • sexpluspornminus November 13, 2016 / 3:35 pm

        I told him it hurts me more when he lies about it, and we’re working through it. It sucks that there is just so much sex everywhere, he tries avoiding obvious stuff but it’s unexpected stuff that gets him

        Liked by 1 person

      • Soulja 4 Christ November 13, 2016 / 3:43 pm

        That’s great you’re being open and honest with him, and it’s great he’s being acceptive with you. 🙂

        Yes being caught off guard can cause a relapse. I was recently stressed out and a provocative ad slipped through the ad blocker and it got my mind wondering and instead of shutting down the thoughts I allowed them to fester within my mind which drove me to porn.

        I agree with you that it sucks that sex has to be everywhere now days. It’s way to easy nowadays to be drawn into it compared to when I was a kid.

        Liked by 1 person

      • sexpluspornminus November 13, 2016 / 3:45 pm

        To sell clothes perfume and even food there’s sex everywhere, it makes my boyfriend uncomfortable cuz he is trying hard and he thinks it’s completely unnecessary. I’m encouraging him to talk to me about it he feels stressed and stuff and he said it’s mostly boredom and seeing provocative stuff. I feel a lot better because he doesn’t masturbate to any of it. It is hard because my parents accuse me of trying to control him and his brothers have problems with it too, I try to help them all

        Like

  2. sexpluspornminus November 13, 2016 / 3:38 pm

    It’s ads for cheeseburgers that are sexual that are difficult to shake, it makes him curious and it’s hard to shake that curiosity. But I understand it’s stronger stimuli not that he isn’t attracted to me. I’m glad we’re not on Facebook or Instagram he’d struggle more. He said now for the first time in his life he knows it’s a problem. He thought he shook it but he realizes it’s not that simple and he finds comfort knowing other men struggle. His mom and grandma used to freak out if it was on the computer so his dad told him to hide it so no one would see so he was taught to hide it for 10 years

    Like

    • Soulja 4 Christ November 13, 2016 / 3:48 pm

      Unfortunately that is where today society is at today which is hide your addiction and it encourages the person to be dishonest out of shame of the addiction they feel they cannot escape.

      Liked by 1 person

      • sexpluspornminus November 13, 2016 / 3:50 pm

        It is terrible cuz men like you and my bf are trying hard and you guys get teased if you admit you have a problem with porn. No one sees an issue with children being sexually active at younger ages and having wrong expectations about sex

        Liked by 1 person

      • Soulja 4 Christ November 13, 2016 / 3:52 pm

        Unfortunately this is very true and this why for so long I hide my addiction from society and my wife.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Soulja 4 Christ November 13, 2016 / 3:57 pm

        Continue to be supportive and pray for him when you’re not around him, because change is really on his end and not so much on yours. As a loving partner want to help change the s/o but the truth is there is very little a person can do to help the other party change except be there when they need support… When I first admitted I had an addiction I needed support around the clock my wife couldn’t mentally provide that with the hurt I was causing so she turned to God to help me.

        Liked by 1 person

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