Today is my 22nd birthday! 🎂 I have had a wonderful day so far, G is going to take me out to dinner today and he already took me on a shopping spree this weekend. My family and I celebrated my birthday on Thanksgiving so I got some money from my family, a cake, and some gift cards.
Also, today marks my 5th day of being on my new medication, Paxil. It is an anti-anxiety/depressant medication, and I am on a very low dosage and I already see improvements to my personal life. I feel more equipped to deal with stressors in my everyday life, and it helps me not feel so down all the time.
Today is also 25 days of G not using pornography (*fingers crossed* that he did not slip up in the mean time). I feel that I have learned a lot from my readers and from blogging, that there are things I have to do differently as well as G . G is very special to me and I know that we will get married someday. We have to overcome these obstacles before marriage, but I know that is definitely possible. I love him with my whole heart and soul and he is also my best friend. He shows me what a true man is. Someone who takes care of me and loves me, and who makes an effort to understand me. He’s human and there will be slip ups, and we are rebuilding that trust as we speak. He is showing me he wants to make the effort to change. Even though it is not easy, G has stopped going to websites that he used to in his free time that would trigger him, and he is occupying his time more with games on his phone than anything. Taking advice from my friend M, I’ve decided my partner and I need a clean slate. Forgiveness is so important and this past month has shown me that. I have decided that we both need to be honest when we have our urges-when I have an urge to snoop and when he has urges to look at porn. If I’m honest and tell him when I have urges he’ll be more likely to be honest with me when he has urges.
The pain and heartache cannot be undone, but we can choose to move forward and try something new. Advice I have from my heart is this: when you find out your partner has a problem with porn, do not freak out at them. With G, he was caught at a young age by his mother and grandmother, and his father told him to hide it rather than address that it was a problem. Tell your partner that you have problems with porn, but do so in a calm way and understand if you stay with them that you are dealing with this battle with them. I wish I could re-do things and not freak out at G the first time I caught him. I should have been straightforward back then about my hatred of porn and how it affected me when I was younger. I want to help men and women who struggle with this on both ends. You all have to know you’re not alone, that you are loved and cherished by someone out there, and that the secrecy and pain has to stop here.