Helping Your Partner Understand.

Hello everyone! Sorry I haven’t been posting I recently have applied to grad school and have been working and going to school. But today I wanted to post about helping your partner understand you. Whether you’re an avid porn consumer trying to quit or you’re the partner of a porn addict, it’s important to communicate. On February 4 it will be 3 months since D-Day; to my knowledge G hasn’t had any slip ups since then. 

The other day G and I were discussing a post on an app I use called Period Tracker. It had to do with pornography. I asked G how he would feel if I used a vibrator/dildo/any toys. He said he would be upset and would likely watch porn. He said “There shouldn’t be anything inside you besides me.” The anger, jealousy and frustration he felt imagining me using a sex toy is the same feelings I had when he used porn. I told him even though it’s a different medium it’s the same feelings that we have in common.

Today, G and I discussed measuring sperm count and testosterone levels, and G says if it involves a sperm sample he’d want me to be involved in the process and would want me to help him make a sample so he doesn’t need to use a magazine and masturbate. We’ve reached a lot of understandings these past few months and I am proud of him with his progress! 

It is still hard on me sometimes because I get scared of another slip up happening, but I’m getting over my fears because I know if it happens that it is a learning experience for us and I know G will most likely tell me or his accountability partner. I’ve also learned to be more comfortable in my own skin and sexuality, and it’s helped me in my sex life. I feel I’m having the best sex in my life with G now because of my confidence that I now have because of the no porn, and because it isn’t affecting G’s sex drive or ability to be intimate.

What has helped my partner is having an accountability partner to talk to. At first I had to tell G to email his partner but now he does it freely on his own and his partner keeps his confidence but tells me he feels G is doing great. What also helps my partner is having things to do in his free time that won’t cause him to relapse. Downloading safe games on the App Store, browsing content on safe websites, and limiting time online are all ways to prevent a relapse. Being supportive of your partner helps too. When my partner felt that his behavior didn’t make a difference in my behavior he relapsed more, but now that I’m working on my reactions to things and I’m supporting him he is doing much better. You have to support your partner because this is an issue for both of you and your partner needs to know that they can confide in you. 

For the partners of addicts, I want to offer advice. Please don’t/stop snooping through your partners’ things. It’s wrong and it doesn’t help your situations. You want to promote honesty and an open dialogue, and it’ll cause your partner to resent you, get sneaky or just feel that you don’t trust them. I snooped through my partner’s phone several times and while I found that there was stuff that concerned me, it just angered my partner because I should have asked him to see his phone. If your partner is anywhere near computer literate they’ll catch on to you snooping and will delete their history partially or fully, will not leave their phone near you, and won’t wanna talk about their problems. My partner doesn’t take his phone with him as much as he did when I was snooping, he lets me use it to look things up, I can use it to pay for coffee, and he leaves it next to me. This is how I know my partner is conquering his porn issue: he is trusting me to not look at his phone and he has nothing to hide. It’s a great feeling. 😊

Update 1/16/17

Sorry I haven’t posted in awhile everybody, I’ve been working and getting ready to go back to school. February 4th will be 3 months of G being clean and I’m very proud of him! It’s been a long few months and I still get anxious sometimes, but with things like this you have to follow the actions and not just the words. For any one interested, there are documentaries online that show the horrors of the porn industry (TW: some of these documentaries have nudity and clips from porn, so don’t watch some of these if you’re easily triggered). The average porn star lives to be about 38 years old due to drugs, suicide, murder, STIs, etc., and for every successful porn star who enjoys what she’s doing, there’s thousands who are being abused in some way and who are sucked in and spat out very quickly. Enlighten your hearts and minds and together we can fight back against this demon! 

The Power of Healing.

Happy New Year everyone! 🥂 I wanted to share more of my story with you guys and express my newfound happiness. It’s been a little over a month since I started my medication, Paxil. About a week ago I upped my dosage to 20 mg a day. I can honestly say after about a month I feel happier and more comfortable around people. One day I forgot my medication and I had a meltdown, but other than that it’s been great.

I’m feeling more comfortable in my own skin. I love how I feel lately. I feel incredibly loved by my family and my boyfriend. Wednesday will be 2 months for G since he last looked at pornography. I can only give my testimony but everything is better. Sex feels so much more personal and special, his testosterone is going up, he’s more in the mood and he has no problems. Since I talked more to G I’ve felt more confident in his progress. I would like to thank Mike (Soulja4Christ) for being G‘s accountability partner. Having an older Christian male to talk to definitely helps G. 

Through my own healing, G and I are rebuilding our relationship. It’s a wonderful feeling to know that he is doing his best to avoid triggers, that he is only looking at me naked/in a sexual way, and that he feels he can now tell me if he slips up. When you love someone you realize they aren’t going to be perfect but it’s all about what they do to back up what they are saying. You want to find someone that will love you through good times and bad, and that will do their best for you. I don’t care that G has slipped up anymore because I know it’s part of his healing, but the lying was what hurt me and I feel he understands that now.

Healing is so important. So many people experience traumas and don’t get help for them. G and I both dealt with upsetting things throughout our lives, and he is better at dealing with stuff than I am. But it’s all about talking to someone. Over the almost 2 years we’ve been together I’ve learned to express my innermost thoughts and feelings I used to be scared to show people. I’m an introvert and usually like being alone but I don’t get tired of G. I’ve expressed all the pain I held inside to him, including the pain he’s inflicted on me, and it’s allowed me to heal. I don’t cry anymore alone, I want to work with him so he can help me.

But something I’ve learned is that even with G avoiding porn, he isn’t responsible for my self esteem. Since I’ve been showing him his behavior is making a difference and I’ve been praising him, he’s been doing well. He has games on his phone that he plays and he goes to credible websites for information without bad ads. But my self esteem is my own. I am responsible for my perception of myself. And I can finally say that I feel beautiful, gorgeous and stunning. I love my boyfriend because he puts in effort.

I hope that every one can find someone like G. Everyone deserves someone who wants to put so much effort into getting to know them, and someone who will do anything to make you happy. Soul mates come around once in a life time and I hope everyone can meet someone who shows them they’re special. Porn isn’t necessary in a relationship and you can be innovative without it. Find someone you can be yourself with and who wants to be your lover and best friend. ❤