Hello everyone! Sorry I haven’t been posting I recently have applied to grad school and have been working and going to school. But today I wanted to post about helping your partner understand you. Whether you’re an avid porn consumer trying to quit or you’re the partner of a porn addict, it’s important to communicate. On February 4 it will be 3 months since D-Day; to my knowledge G hasn’t had any slip ups since then.
The other day G and I were discussing a post on an app I use called Period Tracker. It had to do with pornography. I asked G how he would feel if I used a vibrator/dildo/any toys. He said he would be upset and would likely watch porn. He said “There shouldn’t be anything inside you besides me.” The anger, jealousy and frustration he felt imagining me using a sex toy is the same feelings I had when he used porn. I told him even though it’s a different medium it’s the same feelings that we have in common.
Today, G and I discussed measuring sperm count and testosterone levels, and G says if it involves a sperm sample he’d want me to be involved in the process and would want me to help him make a sample so he doesn’t need to use a magazine and masturbate. We’ve reached a lot of understandings these past few months and I am proud of him with his progress!
It is still hard on me sometimes because I get scared of another slip up happening, but I’m getting over my fears because I know if it happens that it is a learning experience for us and I know G will most likely tell me or his accountability partner. I’ve also learned to be more comfortable in my own skin and sexuality, and it’s helped me in my sex life. I feel I’m having the best sex in my life with G now because of my confidence that I now have because of the no porn, and because it isn’t affecting G’s sex drive or ability to be intimate.
What has helped my partner is having an accountability partner to talk to. At first I had to tell G to email his partner but now he does it freely on his own and his partner keeps his confidence but tells me he feels G is doing great. What also helps my partner is having things to do in his free time that won’t cause him to relapse. Downloading safe games on the App Store, browsing content on safe websites, and limiting time online are all ways to prevent a relapse. Being supportive of your partner helps too. When my partner felt that his behavior didn’t make a difference in my behavior he relapsed more, but now that I’m working on my reactions to things and I’m supporting him he is doing much better. You have to support your partner because this is an issue for both of you and your partner needs to know that they can confide in you.
For the partners of addicts, I want to offer advice. Please don’t/stop snooping through your partners’ things. It’s wrong and it doesn’t help your situations. You want to promote honesty and an open dialogue, and it’ll cause your partner to resent you, get sneaky or just feel that you don’t trust them. I snooped through my partner’s phone several times and while I found that there was stuff that concerned me, it just angered my partner because I should have asked him to see his phone. If your partner is anywhere near computer literate they’ll catch on to you snooping and will delete their history partially or fully, will not leave their phone near you, and won’t wanna talk about their problems. My partner doesn’t take his phone with him as much as he did when I was snooping, he lets me use it to look things up, I can use it to pay for coffee, and he leaves it next to me. This is how I know my partner is conquering his porn issue: he is trusting me to not look at his phone and he has nothing to hide. It’s a great feeling. 😊