I decided to make a forum for partners and addicts alike for us all to connect.
I decided to make a forum for partners and addicts alike for us all to connect.
Thank you Anna for showing me this. I wanted to share this with all of you so you could watch and see what a genuine, Christian apology is like.
This post is inspired by my friend AnonymousAnna.
As some of you may have heard, Lisa Rinna recently posed nude in order to celebrate PlayBoy magazine beginning to publish nude pictures against. A Ted Talk has discussed how women are either “f*ckable” or “invisible”. As a woman, you are pressured to flaunt your sexuality publicly or be shy and thus invisible. This pressures many female celebrities to post nude pictures or partially nude pictures. Rinna, 53, posted a picture on Instagram over the weekend to celebrate PlayBoy going back to posting nude pictures in its magazine. She encourages her followers to embrace the beauty of the female body, while posting a censored picture of herself. This is a blow to the fight against pornography. For about a year PlayBoy started publishing cultural articles and celebrating the beauty of women without them posing nude.
Society pushes these things on us to be news and we all buy into it! We follow into celebrity sex lives, nude pictures, and other vulgar things. When we seem to get ahead, we also get set back 2 steps. Female beauty is being tarnished and turned into something for men to get sexual pleasure from and for them to masturbate to it! We can feel beautiful about ourselves without having so show off our bodies for the world to see. If you are a Christian, you are supposed to save your body for your spouse and only your spouse. You are not supposed to pleasure yourselves to pictures of other naked people.
Unfortunately, human beings are fallible. I’ve looked at leaked celebrity pictures, G has, and many of you have as well. But what we have to remind ourselves is that while the celebrity may be consenting of posting their picture, it is the unfortunate reality that it cheapens the human body and turns it into something for instant gratification. We all get curious, but we have to try and resist the urge to cheapen ourselves in the process. Instead of turning yourself into something respectable and something that brings independence to women, you are turning yourself into something that men can get off on and can use to hurt someone else. Elizabeth Smart discusses in this article how her abductor used pornography to rape her and force her to participate in his fetishes. How would you feel knowing that your nude pictures/videos encouraged someone to sexually assault/rape another person? Smart says that porn made her living hell worse, and that her captor, Brian David Mitchell, frequently watched hardcore pornography and it made him rape her more frequently. He’d look at porn and would show her the images before raping her.
Smart says how her captor would look and stare at the porn and talked about the women, and would tell Smart that they were going to do what the actors were doing. She even went as far as to say that if it weren’t for pornography that Mitchell wouldn’t have abducted her. She says he wasn’t satisfied with just porn and needed someone to reenact what he saw.
What is news worthy about a celebrity, male or female, showing off their body ? It’s nothing new, yet we are drawn to it in order to fit in. Omg did you see X’s booty pic? Oh yeah, did you see Y’s porn video with her ex? What about a child being abducted, someone being murdered by a serial killer, or even accomplishments of women in different countries? Those things are overlooked thanks to the Kardashians and the porn industry. Our society pressures young women into showing more skin in order to stay relevant! Notice how celebrities who do not show skin are not as popular as those who do. Young women are being influenced by famous people like the Kardashians, Lisa Rinna, Rihanna, etc. I’ve been told that if I showed more skin I’d look sexier and that if I showed people my breasts or vagina that I would be more f*ckable.
There isn’t really much tasteful nudity. Nudity to add to a storyline and that was brief. Or even just implied nudity. Most movies today have a lot of nudity and simulated sex that can make your skin crawl. Movies of the 70s and 80s had very minimal nudity and had tasteful, beautiful love scenes. “Does pornography cause rape?” is the wrong question to ask; rather, “Does pornography influence rape?” According to RiceStandard, heavy porn consumption by males doubles the likelihood of a male sexually assaulting his partner (note it does not say rape). Each second 28,000 people are watching pornography, and pornography generates $13B a year. It is not about ending freedom of speech, but rather discouraging violence against women. People who look at a lot of porn tend to view men and women as objects for their entertainment. There are differences between how porn actresses looked in the 80s versus how they look today. Even pictures such as Lisa Rinna’s selfie. Women are designed to fit the male fantasy (wide hips, big breasts, big butts, shaven, etc.) and reinforces male dominance. General Motors, AT&T, Fox and the New York Post all receive revenue from the porn industry. That is why it is so dominant and many psychologists, actors, and politicians do not fight against porn. Some comments on this article include a woman saying she was raped at 16 and her rapist was a porn addict, so who says porn doesn’t hurt anybody? And a young man saying that men post pictures in their rooms of porn stars or “non-porn” images that are sexual such as the Dallas Cowboys, and that the key to changing this in society is for men and women alike to say that it is not okay. A woman who watches porn herself even says that she’s noticed her male partners who view a lot of porn were more violent and more degrading to her during sex, and were not as consenting as partners who didn’t view a lot of porn.
Another article I found is by VAWnet, which seeks to end gender based violence. This article says how the question to look at is not whether porn directly causes rape, but rather can it shape attitudes that can factor into rape. This article says that porn shapes the male-dominant view towards sex, is used to break down victims and force them into sexual activity, causes someone to separate fantasy from reality, and provides manual training to abusers. Men think that coming on a woman’s face is “normal”, that women should be shaved, and that their fantasies are the only ones who matter.
Finally, the Gospel Coalition discusses the normalization of pornography and how it is detrimental to society. 14-year-old Daisy and her friend snuck out to meet three teenage boys from school. Daisy was left for dead in the cold and had twice the legal driving limit of alcohol in her system. One boy pled guilty to sexually assaulting the younger girl, and the two others pled no contest to giving Daisy alcohol. One of them filmed themselves having sex with Daisy. Charges were dropped against the boys due to lack of evidence. Daisy and her siblings were teased at school, her mother lost her job, and their house was burned to the ground. Daisy says after you’re called a slut, whore and bitch for so long you just start to believe it. The article calls it “Exhibit A” for rape culture which blames rape victims and normalizes male sexual violence. 39% of college males and 23% of college females viewed bondage porn, 18% of college males and 10% of college females have watched rape porn. Their bodies and minds are in key developmental stages and they are learning to associate sex with rape, bondage and degrading men/women.
Porn represents women as being inferior. While both sexes are being degraded, more often than not women are the ones who are being spit on, hit, being cursed at and tortured. Andrea Dworkin, a feminist, says “equality cannot co-exist with rape . . . and it cannot co-exist with pornography . . . because implicit in [both] is the inferiority of women.”
Porn objectifies women and says only their bodies are important, not their feelings or experiences. They are a sex toy to be used. Notice how MOST celebrity nudes that are leaked are of women, and most people who choose to post naked pictures of themselves are women.
Porn teaches us that sex is everything and that sexual gratification in that instant moment is most important.
Porn encourages male aggression and gives men an excuse for assaulting women. “Boys will be boys” and “Guys need porn” are based off this idea. Scientists say “people who watch a lot of porn are likely to need increasingly graphic material to achieve the same sexual stimulation.”
Until we as a society react against the pro-male, anti-female culture, and fight back against this rampant sexual culture, things won’t change. The porn industry rules many major cooperations in the U.S. and the world, and the funds for these industries go towards many government programs. We are conditioned to find celebrity nude pictures to be exciting and thus celebrities are sharing nudes to stay relevant. As women, we are taught that our feelings on this subject are worthless: we are the inferior sex, our opinions don’t matter, and we have to deal with a male partner looking at porn. Men are taught that porn doesn’t hurt anybody, that it is beneficial, that if the news is publishing pictures of people that it is okay and it is news, and that they can have a girlfriend/wife but also peruse the internet for a limitless supply of beauties.
Again, in my opinion porn is not cheating in the traditional sense of being physical with another person, but is it really much better? You look at other people naked when you should only see your spouse naked. Porn encourages us to value our partner less. If you have to ask yourself “Is this porn?” you likely have your answer. If you are trying to get sexual gratification out of the image you are looking at, it is porn. I believe that it is about intent. Slip ups are when seeing something causes you to have a temporary lapse, but not a full blown relapse, and may be isolated to one-two days. A relapse is when you repeatedly continue to look at porn and masturbate. A relapse is an indefinite period of time.
Today G and I discussed a recent celebrity nude leak and although G looked up the picture it did not cause him to look up other naked women or to have a porn binge. I am very proud of him. 😊 It is 4 months of being porn free and I am very proud of him for being honest with me.
Please answer this survey in the comments:
How do you think a partner can guide the addict to quit pornography? I ask for the ladies out there who are at their whits end, who’ve dated many porn addicts or don’t want to end a relationship because they love someone. Maybe your advice could help a young lady out there reach out to her boyfriend/husband and get him to stop. With G, I showed him articles and let him talk to S4C to hear how porn affects people.
A conversation with G sparked this blog post. It should, hopefully, evoke empathy from porn users and partners alike.
We have a friend, A, and A is dating R. A and R both have their problems, and have been dating/living together for over a year now. R is a sweetheart but you can tell deep down she is sad. R is about 5’7, maybe 110-120 pounds, and does not have a curvy figure. A is a guy who loves breasts and butts, and points out in front of R, “Look at the boobs/bum on that one!” R has also stumbled upon his porn/social media women and sees that they all have the same thing in common: curvy, big breasts, big butts. R has confided in me that it makes her feel bad about herself but she tries to ignore it. R’s best friend is curvy and A always hovers around her and flirts with her. R is even intimidated by me because I’m a vuluptupus female, and gets nervous when I talk to A.
Why did I share this story with you? So you can hopefully understand how a female’s mind works. Fellas, you tend to think “I didn’t do anything” when your girlfriend is upset. But sometimes it’s not something you explicitly did, but rather is implied. Let’s rewind: let’s say all A did was hang around R’s friend, didn’t flirt or talk to her, just hovered around her like a lost puppy. He technically didn’t do anything, but it’s about him giving another female attention! That’s why porn is disrespectful. You are giving other women sexual attention that should be reserved for your woman. It is one thing if you guys are in public and a woman flashes her breasts, you both may look up. That is different than you purposely looking up porn.
A’s behavior is detrimental to R’s self esteem. It is wrong to do things that you know are a knife in the back of someone’s self esteem and security. G described a partner looking at porn and catching them as “Wow, so that’s who you wanna be with/have sex with/look at”. Especially if who you’re looking at looks nothing like you. In public I’m not intimidated by most women because I have a nice figure, but R is intimidated by most women. G is more heavy set and said he’d feel lousy if he saw me looking at muscular guys. G didn’t understand initially why I was threatened because he said I was better looking than the porn stars/girls he looked at, but missed the point of the intentions. It doesn’t matter if I’m Angelina Jolie or a hobo, it is disrespectful because attention is being put on someone other than me.
Men, you are conditioned when growing up to kill and conquer (not literally, of course!) It is expected you dominate in sports, be intelligent, funny, aggression, sleep with beautiful women, etc. Women are expected to be beautiful, not too smart or funny, be a freak and lady, not complain/nag, and to take care of men. We are raised to place importance on our looks and sexuality because we are taught that’s most important. We are trained to choose one man for life and forsake all others: we can’t get changed near another man, dance with another man, and get chided for even sleeping with many men! Men are taught that porn is different than physically cheating so it’s ok, to sleep with as many women as possible, and that it is not expected of you to stay monogamous. It’s why relationships are complicated!
I notice it with G, guys: you’re territorial of your girl. You don’t want other men seeing her naked, seeing her get dressed, dancing with her, hugging her, being close to her, etc. But I’ve noticed these same territorial guys watch porn! Tell me how it is fair that you want your woman to be 100% dedicated to you and not be seen by anyone, yet you look at women who can be someone’s wife/sister/daughter.
Men are black and white and women are more gray. Women tend to overanalyze and place emotional relevance on information. Men want the quick, easy answer and just think “Is this right or wrong?” It’s why the sexes clash! An example with me and G is that if a friend is upset I may suggest hanging out with them, cheering them up, etc., while G will give them a quick phone call and finish the problem short and sweet. Neither approach is right or wrong, it’s just how men and women think.
Men and women may analyze the A and R situation differently. Men may think A isn’t doing anything wrong because he’s not sleeping with other women, he’s just talking and looking at porn. Women may think that A is being disrespectful, is emotionally cheating, etc. A twist with the A and R situation is that R and A both turn to their exes for attention because of their dysfunctional relationship. And this is all based on A’s initial behavior of not prioritizing R.
I decided to make a blog dedicated to my personal self, as writing is therapy for me, and writing about my everyday experiences may prove to be beneficial for me. Check out my new blog at kingyslife.wordpress.com 😊👍🏻👏🏻
By Sarah and G
Sorry this took so long, we just got around to posting this interview today. First I will post the interview, and then I will post my response to the interview below that.
How long have you used porn in your life? On and off since I was about twelve years old. Maybe a little younger.
How long has it been since you last used porn? It has been three months on Saturday February 3.
What are the pros to using porn? The cons? The pros to using porn is the instant self gratification. Also to relieve yourself if you don’t have a girlfriend. The cons are it ruins relationships with your significant other. It raises tolerances too high during sex. It makes you appreciate your partner less. It’s demeaning to women.
How did you know it was time for you to stop using? When I knew it makes my significant other feel they are not enough. When I used to have to do it during the day to feel like a normal day.
Why do you think people lie/hide their porn use? Possibly because they don’t want to hurt their partner. Maybe because they are embarrassed. Maybe they feel like it’s not a problem and don’t want to talk about it.
What advice do you have for people who are partners to a porn user? Be patient, for many it’s not as easy as they think. Don’t automatically assume it is something you did, maybe they are just so used to it or whatever reason they have.
Has anything gotten better since you stopped? Gotten worse? The sex with my significant other is amazing. I feel better and more confident everyday. Nothing has gotten worse.
What do you do when you feel triggered to use? I know it’s easier said than done but to think about something else. To find ways around going to websites or watching things that could possibly trigger.
What do you replace porn with? Phone app games. The news app. Sports articles. Other random interests.
Is there anything a partner can do to help their partner stop using porn? Have sex with them a lot. Be supporters. If that doesn’t work, give an ultimam.
Why do you think most men have a hard time understanding women’s perspectives on porn? Because they don’t see why it upsets them or makes them feel insecure. Maybe they think men do it too so it is demeaning to men and women.
Do you think porn is a problem in society? Yes definitely. Teenage boys in specific don’t go out looking because they can pleasure themselves. It just distances people sexually in a relationship. Illegal porn is a problem too.
Is it hard to stay away now that you’ve been clean for 3 months? No, it actually gets easier with time. I feel so much better as months go by. I’ve gone a few months here and there before but never more than three months.
What do you think is the best way to eradicate the porn problem in society? There’s no way to do that. It starts when children are young, they need to know why it’s wrong. Just try to help people one by one who need it first. After that try to blog and write articles about why it’s harmful.
Why do you think some women can cry, threaten to hurt themselves, etc., and their partner still uses porn? Some men are insensitive and are not good lovers. They cannot justify to themselves why their partner feels how they do.
Are there ways to improve your sex life without porn? Absolutely, try new things in bed. Feel your partner out and see what they like. Go on intimate vacations and just fall in love with a person, love their body and make true love.
Are there ways to learn about sex/learn new moves without porn? Yeah there are plenty of books out there. Kama sutra magazines, diagrams etc.
Do you think it’s easier to appreciate your partner without porn? Yeah absolutely, you appreciate their naked body and only theirs. You grow a deeper connection and the love making is off the charts.
So there you have it. 😊 I learned a lot from G’s answers. What mostly stood out for me personally was seeing that porn users aren’t seeking to be insensitive, but they simply cannot put themselves in the place of their partner. They don’t understand their partner’s insecurities. With G I mentioned the example of how would he feel if I was using a sex toy/masturbaring to other men and he said he’d feel hurt.
Something else that I liked was how he mentioned that you develop a deeper connection with your partner and learn to appreciate them/their body more. It is true, nothing feels better than being totally in love with someone and their body. ❤
There are ways to revitalize your sex life and grow closer together without involving other people. Reading Kama Sutra together or looking at diagrams with drawings is helpful.
Solving this type of issue in a relationship involves a lot of prayer, understanding, and tears. You have to find a way to show your partner why it is hurtful and even if they don’t fully understand they can better relate to your feelings. You want your partner to feel that you’re being rational. As G mentioned sometimes it takes an ultimatum to get them to change.
Sorry everybody. Something has come up and I don’t know if I will post the interview or blog anymore. 😥
I will be posting my interview with G later today so please be on the lookout. 🙂