A conversation with G sparked this blog post. It should, hopefully, evoke empathy from porn users and partners alike.
We have a friend, A, and A is dating R. A and R both have their problems, and have been dating/living together for over a year now. R is a sweetheart but you can tell deep down she is sad. R is about 5’7, maybe 110-120 pounds, and does not have a curvy figure. A is a guy who loves breasts and butts, and points out in front of R, “Look at the boobs/bum on that one!” R has also stumbled upon his porn/social media women and sees that they all have the same thing in common: curvy, big breasts, big butts. R has confided in me that it makes her feel bad about herself but she tries to ignore it. R’s best friend is curvy and A always hovers around her and flirts with her. R is even intimidated by me because I’m a vuluptupus female, and gets nervous when I talk to A.
Why did I share this story with you? So you can hopefully understand how a female’s mind works. Fellas, you tend to think “I didn’t do anything” when your girlfriend is upset. But sometimes it’s not something you explicitly did, but rather is implied. Let’s rewind: let’s say all A did was hang around R’s friend, didn’t flirt or talk to her, just hovered around her like a lost puppy. He technically didn’t do anything, but it’s about him giving another female attention! That’s why porn is disrespectful. You are giving other women sexual attention that should be reserved for your woman. It is one thing if you guys are in public and a woman flashes her breasts, you both may look up. That is different than you purposely looking up porn.
A’s behavior is detrimental to R’s self esteem. It is wrong to do things that you know are a knife in the back of someone’s self esteem and security. G described a partner looking at porn and catching them as “Wow, so that’s who you wanna be with/have sex with/look at”. Especially if who you’re looking at looks nothing like you. In public I’m not intimidated by most women because I have a nice figure, but R is intimidated by most women. G is more heavy set and said he’d feel lousy if he saw me looking at muscular guys. G didn’t understand initially why I was threatened because he said I was better looking than the porn stars/girls he looked at, but missed the point of the intentions. It doesn’t matter if I’m Angelina Jolie or a hobo, it is disrespectful because attention is being put on someone other than me.
Men, you are conditioned when growing up to kill and conquer (not literally, of course!) It is expected you dominate in sports, be intelligent, funny, aggression, sleep with beautiful women, etc. Women are expected to be beautiful, not too smart or funny, be a freak and lady, not complain/nag, and to take care of men. We are raised to place importance on our looks and sexuality because we are taught that’s most important. We are trained to choose one man for life and forsake all others: we can’t get changed near another man, dance with another man, and get chided for even sleeping with many men! Men are taught that porn is different than physically cheating so it’s ok, to sleep with as many women as possible, and that it is not expected of you to stay monogamous. It’s why relationships are complicated!
I notice it with G, guys: you’re territorial of your girl. You don’t want other men seeing her naked, seeing her get dressed, dancing with her, hugging her, being close to her, etc. But I’ve noticed these same territorial guys watch porn! Tell me how it is fair that you want your woman to be 100% dedicated to you and not be seen by anyone, yet you look at women who can be someone’s wife/sister/daughter.
Men are black and white and women are more gray. Women tend to overanalyze and place emotional relevance on information. Men want the quick, easy answer and just think “Is this right or wrong?” It’s why the sexes clash! An example with me and G is that if a friend is upset I may suggest hanging out with them, cheering them up, etc., while G will give them a quick phone call and finish the problem short and sweet. Neither approach is right or wrong, it’s just how men and women think.
Men and women may analyze the A and R situation differently. Men may think A isn’t doing anything wrong because he’s not sleeping with other women, he’s just talking and looking at porn. Women may think that A is being disrespectful, is emotionally cheating, etc. A twist with the A and R situation is that R and A both turn to their exes for attention because of their dysfunctional relationship. And this is all based on A’s initial behavior of not prioritizing R.