The Truth About the Porn Industry

Vanna White talked about how 30 years ago she posed for Playboy magazine and regretted it immediately. “I wasn’t on there because I wanted to be…” is how her interview started off. She explains that she was embarrassed to ask her dad for rent money, and that she wanted to do some lingerie shots for extra money. Her friend, Hugh Hefner, told her that he would put her on the cover and she told him it would ruin her career. He did it anyway and now they don’t talk anymore. She felt nervous to pose for the pictures in the first place and wishes she didn’t ignore the voice in her head telling her not to do it. White’s Playboy cover is still able to be purchased, and everyone purchasing it is purchasing something that was done without the subject’s consent. This makes me think: how many women has this happened to? They wanted to do some modeling but were put on the cover without their consent.

Vanna White, who was around 20 years old at the time of the photo shoot (Hefner got the pictures a decade later), was pressured to pose in lingerie like many other young women. Lisa Rinna claims that Playboy empowers women to make the choice to pose nude, but I believe it does the opposite. It pressures women to pose nude in order to make more money.

Lisa Ann of The Stashed wrote an article about the careers of porn stars. The average life expectancy of an American is 78 years old, but the average life expectancy of a porn star is 37 years old.  Overdoses, suicides, car accidents and murders are among the leading causes of death. Most of Ann’s coworkers that she made movies with in the 90s are now dead. Ann is outraged because murders of porn stars are often swept under the rug because of who the victims are, and many times murders happen due to victims being booked illegal jobs.
Jennie Ketcham, who is also a former adult film star, discusses the industry. A quote from her is below. Ketcham left the industry after 8 years because she became addicted to drugs and alcohol.

“I thought it would validate me, so I did nude modeling, the gateway drug to hard core porn. I didn’t realize that validation can come from inside. Nothing about what I did gave me skills to live in the real world.”

Ketcham discusses the difference between average and exceptional. Average represents men and women who look like most people and are a majority of the actors, while exceptional are actors who are in high demand and are a small amount of the population.

“Average females” are porn stars that are not in high demand. They are very easily replaceable and their careers often do not last longer than a year. They can make about $88,000 a year doing two scenes a week or 162 a year. The “average male,” whose careers have more longevity at an average of five years, can make comparable income but must perform about four scenes a week.

“Exceptional females,” or those in very high demand, can make their careers last closer to 10 years at $249,600 a year, doing about four a week or 192 a year. “Exceptional males,” who can make their careers last the longest at 15 years, will make slightly more, about $268,800 a year, but have to perform almost every day at about 336 scenes a year.

For an industry that is supposed to be empowering for women, I see nothing empowering about these statistics. Women make less, have to deal with brutality such as anal, being hit and spit on, have shorter career spans, and cannot do as many scenes as men due to injuries on the job. Ketcham says, “I have a friend that has been in the business for seven years and just did her first anal scene for $10,000. Tomorrow it will go back to the regular rate of $1,300 and now that people expect it, they want you to do it now.” Women are pressured to do harder scenes to make more money and it becomes expected of them. The average female is 18-19 years old and her average career is 18-24 months.

Although many people blame linear causality, saying it is their family or societies fault that they joined the industry, Ketcham does not subscribe to this theory. She said circular causality, thinking she needed the money to support her drug habits and constantly buy more drugs, was closer to the truth. The real reason, however, is equafinality, meaning that there are several reasons that people make decisions and they often lead back to feeling the need to match others expectations of themselves, she said.

Refinery 29 also discusses some interesting information. Male porn stars are paid at a fixed rate (salary) based on their reputation, while female porn stars are paid based on their star power and the sex act.

For example, an unknown performer filming a girl-on-girl scene might make as little as $300, but if a popular star is involved in double penetration, she can rake in as much as $4,000. Men earn between $500 and $1,200 for the same scene, with the big stars maybe hitting $1,500.

To me this does not scream equality and empowerment for women. A male porn star will always earn more than a lesser known female, so females always have to prove themselves more than men do. The most powerful people in the industry are all men. Mark Spiegler, a powerful porn agent, says there are more women than available opportunities. 70% of porn stars are women, 18-24 months is the average career span, and the most prolific stars are men. All male porn stars have to worry about is maintaining an erection (which can be helped with viagra), while women’s appearances are more important. Many male performers are ugly, but if they can perform they make big bucks. If a male can perform a money shot, he’ll always get hired over a female, statistics show. Due to the internet, women are competing for roles because of amateur porn and illegal porn. Due to the piracy online, the average female porn star earns $40,000 to $50,000 a year, nearly half of what they earned in the early 2000s. And men still earn more! Only 4-5% of directors in the industry are women, who tend to be kinder to the female performers.
All this information is ironic considering that women like Lisa Rinna and Kim Kardashian are outspoken supporters of posing nude. When you post a naked picture online you’re not making money and are turning yourself into a sex object, but when you make money you earn less than a man does. So how is this empowering for women? Besides, amateur looking women rarely are compensated as they post online for free or they earn less than exceptional actresses. So before you watch porn, look at nude amateur or exceptional women, or contribute to the industry in any way, think to yourself that you’re contributing to the wage gap, competitiveness, drugs and alcohol, and you’re forcing these women out because they aren’t as exciting as more famous porn stars.

Why Watching Porn Even if You Don’t Masturbate to it is Still Bad

This post was inspired by something G said last night: he said that porn didn’t impact him sexually each time he watched and that he didn’t masturbate to it so it wouldn’t affect his sex drive as badly as if he PMO’d. 

Gary Wilson, the man who gave the TedTalk on “The Great Porn Experiment,” is the host of a website called Your Brain on Porn. He wrote an article based on his book that has the same name as his website. Wilson says that watching porn without masturbating is just as bad as masturbating without porn and without ejaculation, or masturbating without porn and without orgasm. He also says that it is far worse to someone in recovery to watch porn and not masturbate or to rev up (masturbate with/without porn but don’t orgasm) because of what it does to your brain. It is far healthier to masturbate without porn and orgasm because it gets it out of the way, and you train your brain to not depend on false images for orgasm. 

If you took an intro to psychology class, you know about Pavlov’s dogs. He conditioned them to salivate at the sound of a bell because they associated that bell with eating so they started salivating becueee they were ready to eat. This is similar to what happens to your brain with porn. Dopamine levels can be elevated to higher levels with drugs, but moderate dopamine levels can remain elevated for awhile as well. There’s also a combination of both of these, which is what porn is. Edging is the idea of not doing a traditional PMO, and some addicts believe it is healthier because they’re not orgasming to porn. Gary Wilson, who has his Ph.D and who worked with Phillip Zambardo on men and pornography,  disagrees with edging and says it’s more dangerous. 

Edging involves the moderate levels of dopamine being elevated for some time (masturbation) and the drug-like elevation levels of porn on the brain. It involves exciting new visuals, searching for these visuals online and finding shocking/surprising genres. Edging causes your dopamine levels to be elevated for hours, and it makes you require constant visual stimulation which sex doesn’t always give. It tells the brain that porn is important and to keep looking at it. Besides making your brain addicted to porn, you’re doing more harm than good for your sex life. Wilson says it’s like spending your time hitting golf balls to be a great basketball player, and that besides playing the wrong sport you’re taking yourself out of the game of sex all together. You’re training yourself to be a voyeur and when your sex doesn’t match porn your excitement for sex as well as your erections weaken. It doesn’t have to happen every time for your brain to be addicted to porn. It usually is within some time of watching porn, and it depends on what you look at.

Dopamine is odd. It really shoots up when something is better than expected, but drops when expectations are not met.

– Gary Wilson, PhD.

This quote from Gary Wilson explains why a sex life with porn can fluctuate. If your partner exceeds your expectations sex is amazing, but if it isn’t as good as your porn, your erections are weaker and you aren’t as excited about sex. It can take months/years of being porn free to be able to obtain strong, rock hard erections again. Just like it takes months/years to recover from drug addiction. Porn is a drug because it is unnatural and damages our brains.

Here are some responses from men who edged with porn and what changed for them when they stopped:

“2 years ago I did my first no-fap challenge, just to see if I could do it, and got an enormous burst of energy from it. For 2 years I have been trying to replicate that feeling, and never succeeded. During these 2 years, each nofap trial I did was just to try to achieve that level of energy. My theory was that it was linked to not ejaculating, and testosterone and such. So I did nofap, but still looked at pictures of pretty girls, or porn, or edged…anything I could to boost my T-levels, without ejaculating…but without results. This time, I decided to do nofap, not for the energy, but because I was again tired of my daily PMO routine – and I would stick with it, in hard mode, even without superpowers. The result: I am totally energized now. My conclusion: For me, the “superpowers” seem not related to not ejaculating, or ejaculating less…but to not exposing myself to Porn, endless lists of bikini-babes, edging, fantasizing, or even touching myself. In short: if you want to feel “superpowers”: no porn, no pictures, no edging, no touching – go hard-mode for a few weeks.”

“Yes, in fact it’s worse. The reason is simple: instead of achieving orgasm and ending it, you train your brain to be bathing in chemicals for hours. It’s the worst thing you can do, bar none. The worst. If you began and realise what you are doing in time, stop or rush to the end. Whatever you do, don’t keep the pace. Most of us weren’t addicted to PMO, but rather to PEO.”

“Hi guys, just a little update here. I’ve been over at nofap and have managed to not fap since January 3rd. For the first month of nofap I looked at no porn at all. The improvements I was were unreal. More confidence, deeper voice, bigger dick (no joke). The second month in I started looking at bikini pics and softcore playboy like pictures. This still seemed ok but I started noticing that I didn’t want to go out of the house as much, and social anxiety started to increase again, just from bikini pics, what the fuck. I started to dive a little deeper last week and went to an old favorite porn site where I watched about 10 minutes of video. The dopamine rush was unreal. Heart pounding, shakiness, but I didn’t fap. The past week after watching that shit has been a disaster. Watching Netflix all day, not working out, blah. So anyway here I am, pornfree 5 days, nofap 90 something. No more porn for me, its not the jerking off, its the porn. Free yourself.”

Wilson says, “If you have chronic porn-induced ED, it’s unlikely that ejaculation was the cause your ED/DE – it was probably years of porn use. Internet porn is the stimulus that alters the brain, and, in some users, causes sexual dysfunction. Remember, today’s porn isn’t just addictive because it leads to the pay-off of orgasm; it’s addictive because users can employ it to raise dopamine continuously in their brain’s primitive reward circuitry…Your addict brain wants porn, so it will rationalize all sorts of scenarios, and watching without orgasming is one of its favorites – especially in those who are already suffering from difficulty climaxing or maintaining erections (due to excessive porn use). Since ejaculation is not the addiction, or the cause of the sexual dysfunctions, rationalizing porn use is potentially harmful.”

“A good urologist I consulted years ago, told me that edging is so bad because the semen returns and might “crystallize” in our prostate and that is why the pain and the blue balls, he told me that he was not accepted in the urology association because he said that masturbation can be the cause of many problems in the prostate, the other doctors told him that if men masturbate more frequently they will have more clients. Be careful, dude!!!!!! Btwm this doctor also told me that 10 years ago 90% of his patients were over 60 and now he is helping people as young as 16, many youngers are going to consult him. He blamed masturbation, porn and hormones, he has a treatment of needles to inject vital nutrients in the nerves of the penis, it is like viagra but even better, you feel like a bull.”

“The Zeigarnik Effect is the tendency to experience intrusive thoughts about an objective that was once pursued and left incomplete (Baumeister & Bushman, 2008, pg. 122). The automatic system signals the conscious mind, which may be focused on new goals, that a previous activity was left incomplete. It seems to be human nature to finish what we start and, if it is not finished, we experience dissonance. Best way to avoid fapping is to avoid starting. Close the browser. Open your eyes if you start to fantasize. Turn off the TV. Get out of bed. Zip it up. More importantly don’t start.”

So as you can see, watching porn without orgasming is just as bad, if not worse, than watching porn and orgasming. You’re rationalizing to yourself that it’s not so bad because you aren’t masturbating and/or orgasming. Wrong. You’re training yourself to require large amounts of stimulation in order to be satisfied, not just sexually but in all areas of life. At that point, porn isn’t even about masturbating and orgasming anymore, but rather about getting a fix. You require porn to feel normal, to deal with being bored because nothing is as exciting, and you’re in denial. Notice how porn addicts have trouble concentrating, are often depressed or anxious, have no desire to go out/be social, don’t want to work out, etc. If you remove porn from your life, you will have more energy, motivation and will be able to concentrate better. 

19 weeks since D-Day

I wanted to write a blog post about G’s progress. April 5 is a special date for two reasons: two years ago on that date G and I started talking, and this year April 5 is G’s 5 month marker since  D-Day. I wanted to talk about the highs and lows of dealing with a partner with a porn addiction, how I originally felt, how I feel now, and what I hope for the future.

As you may already know, G started looking at porn when he was about 11 years old, maybe younger. So long before I met him he was already entangled in this battle. For most of his life he didn’t think porn was a big deal and felt he could honor God and women while looking at porn. By the time he was in his twenties he had already been looking at it regularly for nearly half his life. He felt it would be easy to just quit, but it’s never that easy. You try to quit then you’re triggered and binge. 

When I realized that G had a high interest in porn, I originally tried to push it to the back of my mind and not worry about it. I had friends who looked at porn, I told myself it was normal. But then I started to feel sad and angry: I didn’t look at other naked men, so why was he looking at naked women? Did I not satisfy him? There were lies, tears and regrets along the way. It took several frustrating conversations to really get my feelings across. I felt he didn’t understand me because he kept slipping up/relapsing and didn’t tell me. I was hurt by the rationalizing he did. “It doesn’t affect our sex life at all/that much,” “It’s not cheating/as bad as cheating,” “There’s worse things that I could be doing to you/myself,” “It has no effects on how I view you.” The rationalizations hurt because maybe he didn’t see what it was doing to us, but I did. 

For any one reading who is the partner to someone who is very interested in porn you understand what I mean. Your sex life becomes inconsistent because even if it doesn’t affect sex every single time, it’s making an impact. Sometimes an erection will disappear or won’t even happen at all. When you attempt to discuss it there’s tension and anger because your partner believes that you’re belittling them and the stress you’re causing is leading to the lack of an erection. When you finally start to believe that they’re serious about making changes a slip up happens and it causes you to have doubts and be consumed by anger and fear. You deal with porn always being around you basically, and worrying about triggers that will lead to a slip. It’s a nightmare. 

What I feel now is a bunch of different emotions: happiness, relief, optimism, nervousness, a tad discouraged, anger. I feel the happy feelings because I know that G understands my feelings, has for awhile, and that he regrets hurting me. I feel nervous and discouraged mostly because of things that are said on days like yesterday. G says he feels his sex drive is mostly hindered by his diet rather than porn and reminded me that there have been times he watched porn and was just fine. It makes me sad because it makes me feel like it’ll always be a bigger deal to me and that someday he could just resume watching it. Part of me feels angry because I still recall events that have happened in the past, and I feel angry that this was able to have such an impact on our relationship. I feel angry when I see anything that comes close to being porn because of how it impacted my relationship. But overall I feel happy because I see a change in G, our sex life, how we interact with each other and also it has helped us discuss hard to talk about issues. So I am overall happy with how things have gone. 

I think that the biggest thing that still bothers me is that G and I have different perceptions about events that have happened. When we couldn’t have proper sex it led to arguments which in turn could have psyched him out. I felt it was porn, he felt it was my reaction to the porn. I believe part of what impacted our sex life was moreso that G felt guilty for watching porn and hiding it from me, then when he went to have sex with me it established a mental block. So either way I believe porn directly or indirectly impacted things. I know that he respects my view point and I respect his because I know he’s had times where porn didn’t affect him sexually, but I believe that was before I spoke up and I think after I did he felt guilty and it affected him.

My hopes for the future are that G continues to make progress, simple as that. I want him to continue to grow, learn about triggers, stay away from ANY porn (naked porn stars/celebs, naked amateur women, wardrobe malfunctions, sexy pictures of women in certain clothing, etc.), and to be honest with me. That’s all I want from him. I do not expect him to be perfect and not slip up ever again. But if he does I want him to at least be honest with himself and try to avoid what it is that led him to slipping up. I would like him to be honest with me, but I know it’s kind of embarrassing for him to tell me whenever something happens. I’m proud of him because I know it is hard for him to always avoid things and that he has slipped up before and felt embarrassed. 

I still hate porn and will never want it in my relationship, and that is my choice because I am a strong, sexy woman and I won’t compete with anyone directly or indirectly. I still have nightmares related to porn and still get feelings similar to PTSD when I see it. I recall feelings of wanting to end my life because  I felt why bother living if the person I love and forsaked all other people for continued looking at other naked women knowing how it destroyed me. 

I also wanted to include some advice for partners of porn addicts, whether they’re still in the battle phase or dealing with the aftermath. You should understand porn is one of the worst habits to quit, similar to cigarettes and drugs (which G has quit both). It is hard to avoid it because there are advertisements that will pop up just because your partner is a guy who reads sports and looks at clothes. The fact that you’re dating a human being means you’re dating a fallible, curious creature and that there will be slips. You have to say what you mean and mean what you say, so if you say he can tell you when he slips up and you won’t get mad, you have to mean that. You have to be able to have calm discussions and understand your partner isn’t perfect. Have regular discussions about progress but not too much that it makes them think about porn and relapse or slip.

You have to accept that your partner isn’t perfect and that they’re trying. I consider G to be trying with porn/intimacy now over other times in our relationship because of the fact that he supports me blogging and gives me ideas for topics, he makes effort initiating intimacy more, his sex drive is better and the sex is way better now than in the beginning, he apologizes for hurting me, he communicates with me when he sees nudity, he’s let me use his phone and I’ve seen that he hasn’t had huge slips, and the biggest thing is that he validates my feelings. He tells me that I have the right to feel how I do about porn and that my feelings are rational, and that I have the right to not be in a relationship where my partner does something that hurts me. 

Follow Up Interview with G

I wanted to share my interview with G. April 5 (our two years of talking anniversary) will be 5 months of him being clean from porn, so I wanted to share an interview with him.

 1. How does it feel being nearly 5 months porn free? Excellent, many aspects have changed in my life. Being addicted to porn for almost ten years has affected me in ways I was not aware of. Such as a low sex drive, less available testosterone, a damaged view on women, etc.

2. Is it still difficult at time when unexpected triggers happen? Not as much, not nearly as much. There’s always going to be smart ads that try and get me to stray, but my brain has successful rewired. 

3. Any advice for people who get unexpected triggers online/television? If you can’t handle being online and taking that chance, then don’t. If you must, ask God for help and he will. Diverting thought process is easier said than done, but is absolutely possible.

4. What would you tell “non-believers” who are hesitant to try to expunge pornography from their lives? I would say, just seek help. There are many people and organizations who can be of assistance. There are people out there who want to help who have either been in that situation or know someone who has who can offer help.

5. Any advice for women who have PTSD-like symptoms due to having a partner who’s had a problem with porn? Just stick with your man, if he is trying to change of course. Some men say they will stop or get help but don’t. Some men want help and need that extra outlet of help to get by.

6. Do you regret not looking at pornography anymore? Absolutely not, the only thing I regret is how long and how often I used to do it. Porn is a huge waste of time, testosterone, and not to mention how degrading it is.

7. As someone whose had slips due to celebrity nude pictures and nudity stories in the news, what advice to you have to offer to men who struggle with this? That’s a tough one. Especially if it is a celebrity the man is fond of. Like I said before, if you are too early in recovery and do not trust yourself online, then don’t be online. Pray to God and ask for help through temptation. Find websites that have little to no ads or clean ones. Think of the celebrity as someone’s mother daughter, etc. If you find yourself having a slip up, try to contain it. When I have slipped up to look at a naked celeb I stop myself before it can get worse. 

8. Finally, what advice would you give to a woman who struggles with getting her partner to stop using porn? As previously stated, be patient and work with your man if he is trying to work with you. It is not as easy as a snap of the fingers to restart your brain wiring. However, if he keeps slipping up and lying, cut him loose. He obviously has no respect for women or you. Sometimes it is difficult to stop and they need the extra support. If he is genuinely remorseful work with him. But if he continues lying and doesn’t put in an effort to change, such as not going on certain websties, give him an ultimatum: you or porn. 

The Future of Men

MLK Jr. Middle School students used to play a game called “Slap Ass Friday” and it used to terrify the girls. Every Friday, boys would approach girls and slap their butts without their consents. Liana Thompson and her friends were targeted by boys, and it continued into high school. Thompson felt she had to keep her discomfort to herself and just deal with it. She felt that she couldn’t be angry about the sexual harassment and said that she just had to laugh it off. It got worse when she attended Berkeley High School: she was catcalled, stalked, and was asked to perform sex acts. When female students complained to their teachers, the male students were given slaps on the wrists. Thompson reminds us that sexual harassment being ignored in high school paves the way for rapes and sexual assaults to happen in college. When students brought up their experiences to the school board, they were dismissed and students felt like they weren’t being heard. Male seniors created “slut accounts” where males posted sexually suggestive pictures of female students and posted sex acts that the students supposedly had done. The account was eventually removed, but the school board said that the students had to prove that the allegations were false, which furthers slut shaming and rape culture, and another account was later put up in its place. According Revolario Keith, a bisexual woman and former student at Berkeley High School, she’s had poor relationships with men and excellent relationships with women. “I think the biggest long-term effect is the normalization of sexualizing women and also objectifying women and normalizing sexual harassment and even … that girls should be grateful when they’re sexually harassed — I think it feeds into your perception of yourself as a vessel for the male gaze, that sexuality validates you as a human being,” Revolario Keith said.

According to GQ Magazine, porn is ruining people’s sex lives. Prior to the 2000s, the main opponents of pornography were hard-core feminists and religious institutions. Thanks to No Fap, a group of people who are against PMO (porn, masturbation and orgasm), a study has been done on the effects of pornography. As of 2013, there were 75,000 members and now there’s a few hundred thousand. 53% of subjects developed a porn habit between 12 and 14, and 16% started watching before they were 12. 59% of subjects watched 4-15 hours of porn a week, 42% of male college students watched porn regularly, and 64% said their tastes in porn became more deviant, thanks to the Coolidge Effect (when men are exposed to new sexual partners they can have stronger, quicker orgasms than men who are exposed to the same sexual partner). It’s why Hugh Hefner has to masturbate to porn even though he has sex with many sexual partners at the same time. 60% of no-fappers have increased sexual function and 67% have increased energy and productivity.

Pierce Nahigyan wrote an article about how millennials are having worse sex lives than their predecessors due to porn. Nahigyan talked to a young woman at a party about how she loves sex but hates what it’s become. She had sexual partners who said horrible things to her, wouldn’t use condoms, were too rough, did not care about her sexual pleasure, etc., and she asked him how he felt about porn. When he laughed and said it wasn’t too important to him because he had a girlfriend, she didn’t laugh and said porn contributed to her poor sexual relationships. He realized she was genuinely upset and that porn was a problem. Nahigyan had two siblings and a conservative single mother so his computer access was limited, and he spent most of his time driving around with real women, so he never really got addicted to porn. Instead of being part of subculture, porn has bled into the mainstream culture. 17.5% of Japanese men 16-19 had no interest in sex or an aversion to it, and 11.8% of 20-24 year olds reported the same. One man said that it’s not like he didn’t enjoy sex, but said that having sex with someone was a “bother”. In Japan hentai and sex dolls have made men more into masturbation and fake sex than real sex. Dr. Kitamura, a doctor who studies ED, has found more patients that are younger than 50 and that they’re so into the online world that they’re not going out to have sex with real people. According to Naomi Wolf, an anti-porn activist, “[Pornography] is not making men into raving beasts. On the contrary: The onslaught of porn is responsible for deadening male libido in relation to real women, and leading men to see fewer and fewer women as ‘porn-worthy.’ Far from having to fend off porn-crazed young men, young women are worrying that as mere flesh and blood, they can scarcely get, let alone hold, their attention.” Porn has lead many men to become sexual anorexics, which means they have no interest in sex and develop anxiety surrounding sex. Women are slowly becoming the dominant sexual party because men are becoming neutral to sex. Only 4% of websites online are porn, but porn sites have 450 million visits a month, more than Netflix, Amazon and Twitter combined!

Life Site News talks about how porn is making people miserable. Dr. Robert Jensen, a psychologist who says that porn is ending masculinity, gave some of his feedback in an interview. Jensen says that men haven’t really though about what porn is doing to them. Jensen sees porn as a plague on women’s rights and relationships. Some quotes from the article will be listed below:

“And that’s one of the ways we need to speak about this. Not just to talk about the sexual exploitation industries, in the way that they injure women—and they do injure women in all sorts of ways—but also the way they leave us men in very constrained, confined, and in the end incredible roles…The effect of these sexual exploitation industries and then violence more generally on women is pretty clear. But I think men also have to think about what it does to us as human beings.”

I’ve spoken to a lot of men and women over the years, both in formal interview situations and just informally after talks or presentations. And what’s clear is that the repeated habitual use of pornography, especially the most cruel and degrading forms of pornography that present women as these degraded objects, that the habitual use of that kind of pornography by men has a direct effect on relationships.

So, I’ve heard from many men and women about how the male partner’s use of pornography will distort what had perhaps prior to that been a healthy, intimate and sexual relationship. These stories are piling up everywhere. I always say – it’s partly joke but it’s actually very accurate – that if you want to know about the effects of repeated pornography use on heterosexual relationships in this culture, there are two kinds of people you can ask. One is marriage therapists and the other is divorce lawyers, because these things are actually coming up as relationships disintegrate.

“Society has become less sexist,” he told me. “Women have more access to higher education, they can make more inroads into politics and government…but we’ve also lost ground. And I think this question of rape, pornography, and the trivializing of sexual violence is one of those reasons where we’ve lost ground, and I think in fact that’s part of the reason people have so much trouble talking about pornography. Now, I’ve always said that, and people say, ‘Well, the reason we don’t talk about porn is we have trouble talking about sex!’ And I always say, ‘Look around at this culture. People are talking about sex all the time!’”

When I talk to men about this, I don’t pretend that, you know, I’m somehow on high and mighty throne telling people how to behave. I grew up as a man in, post-WWII America, what I would call the Playboy World, and I struggled with this and to some degree still struggle, which is why I stay away from pornography of all kinds because I feel like it takes me into a place where I don’t like the person I am. Now that’s often a hard conversation for men who are trained to be tough and stoic and not reveal emotion, but those are the kind of conversations I think we have to have and I think we can have them. At least in my own life, I know I’ve been able to have them.

A powerful quote that I liked from the article was from Dr. Jensen, saying “One thing I’ve learned is that if you’re man, and you’re trying to disconnect from the pornographic world by yourself, if you want to go it alone, I can guarantee you you’ll fail.” It’s absolutely true. If you are fighting a porn addiction you need support and need to be held accountable to someone. Groups like No Fap are great for those who truly want to quit porn, because your’e surrounded by like-minded men and women who will support you when you succeed and will help you deal with failure. Men don’t like being talked down to, so it’s often hard to spark a conversation with men about porn. I believe that things like pornography are temptations from Satan, but also are a way to dull down the male libido. As mentioned above, studies have shown that constant porn consumption leads to aversion to sex. Men that are between 16-24 should be all about sex, but many men this age in the U.S. and beyond don’t seem to care much for it anymore. G’s brothers are 18 and are addicted to porn, and do not have motivation to go out and meet women. When was actively watching porn, it was frustrating because I felt I was more into sex than he was. I’ve been approached by friends of mine that had told me their boyfriends weren’t into sex anymore, and are addicted to porn.

If you are a porn addict and want to quit, the first step is admitting that you’re a porn addict. The next step is finding an accountability partner (partner or friend, although a friend is recommended more). You should find ways to limit internet access such as content blockers, but I believe that the best way is to learn to face everything head on. Don’t go to websites that have content that will trigger you to watch porn. You can’t avoid everything but avoiding most things will help you with your fight. It takes a few months but you will eventually notice changes in your sex life. Many men who are apart of No Fap say they have more energy, productivity, their libido goes up, their penis size goes up, sex feels better with their partner, and they do not objectify women as much. Porn is everywhere and I don’t think that it will ever fully go away, but we can drag it back into the underground instead of it being apart of mainstream culture.

Finally, I wanted to add this last section. If you’re a porn addict, apologize to your partner. Your porn habit is disrespectful to your partner, and it affects your sex life. It frustrates your partner when she wants to have sex and you don’t want to because you already looked at porn. You have to take the time to put your partners feelings into perspective. Even if you fail and look up porn, just keep your partner in the loop so they know. Nothing is worse than your partner hiding things from you.

More on Revenge Porn

Hello everyone, I wanted to talk further about revenge porn and give you some stats on it. The above image is from, and the website gives more stats as well. 

According to a 2015 study of 1606 people, 61% (980 people) admitted to sexting with a partner, and 23% (361 people) say that they have been victims of revenge porn. 93% said they suffered emotional distress from being a victim, 82% suffered in social, occupational or other important areas of functioning. 51% of victims have considered suicide. 55% feared it would affect their professional life and 39% of victims were affected in the workplace. 

When you visit amateur porn sites where you are able to upload personal photos, of course they tell you not to upload pictures of minors, non consenting adults, or sexual assault victims, but who really listens to that? It’s like reading the terms of service, we always just scroll through. If 23% of pictures are revenge porn, we can put it into perspective. If there’s 10,000 pictures on a website at a given time, 2,300 will be revenge porn. Many amateur websites do not make sure that the people in the pictures are consenting adults, so you may be looking at child porn if you browse these websites. 

34 states have revenge porn laws (6 more have pending legislation) as of 2015. New Hampshire, a state that now has active legislation, considers revenge porn to be a Class B Felony. Major networks like Facebook, Google and Twitter are working to remove illegal porn from their network, but with the millions of new images added daily it is often hard to keep up with it. A friend of mine told me of how her friend went to a club and got drunk and someone took a picture of her vagina up her skirt and posted it on Facebook. By the time Facebook did something about the picture, a lot of other people had already saved and distributed the picture elsewhere. Many victims are illegally recorded or hacked, but many willingly send the pictures with an implied sense of trust. 

Many times websites will allow the scorned ex to post the victim’s social media links, emails, phone numbers, etc., and often many victims are stalked. Unfortunately there are websites solely dedicated to humiliating exes where men can write about their exes, share nude pictures and even give information that can be used to find the person. Due to the millions of porn surfers online, it is easy to save the pictures and distribute them elsewhere, so you can never be fully sure that you’re looking at something consentual. Guys, I’m sure some of you exchange pictures with your partners. How would you feel if your phone was hacked and her pictures were posted online for everyone to see? Including on amateur websites? You really can never tell if the pictures you’re looking at are consensual, and the ones that are only contribute to nonconseual pictures being posted. Porn stars consent at the time of the shoot, but many have regrets, and sometimes videos are posted that they didn’t agree to have posted anyway. 

It is important to be aware of the world around you, both in person and online. There are always things that will try to tempt you, such as advertisements, television, social media, etc., and it is all about learning to deal with that temptation. Know that just because you see something provocative on television or if you hear about a story on the news that you don’t have to feed into the monstrosity. By viewing pornography, whether consensual or not, you are creating a demand for it, and that leads to non consensual material whether you like it or not. Pornography is just digital and legal prostitution. We have to be the change we want to see in the world. If you wouldn’t want your wife or daughter’s personal pictures on those websites, then don’t browse them. Simple as that. Celebrities, everyday people and porn stars all have rights to privacy. Some revenge porn victims are as young as 11, so when you browse revenge porn websites you may end up looking at child porn.

When you see something tempting, just stop using your phone and do something else. Catch yourself before you wreck yourself. If you know reading or watching something may trigger you, just avoid it. It will get easier over time to deal with triggers. Don’t contribute to the sex trafficking industry and digital prostitution industry. Each click gives them power to keep posting material. We have to find ways to get the word out so people don’t view these things. Porn itself is wrong, immoral and can be considered a form of infidelity, but revenge porn is worse because there are millions of pictures online and some victims don’t even know. Spread the word, think before you click. 

Here are some Ted Talks that may help you:

Pornography Isn’t Your Problem
Growing Up in a Pornifed Culture
The Porn Paradox
Why I stopped watching porn
The Great Porn Experiment
They are between 7 minutes and about half an hour long. I would recommend if you don’t have much time to focus on Why I stopped watching porn, The Great Porn Experiment, and the Porn Paradox. They will talk more about the points I brought up. 

Be the Generation That Ends the Trendy Naked Selfie and Revenge Porn

Hello everybody! It’s a nice snowy day in New England so I figured I’d make a joint blog post on nude selfies and on revenge porn.

There’s a trend in our society that is rising: nude selfies. Celebrities have made this trend famous and have called it “liberating.” Emma Watson recently partially exposed her breasts for a Vanity Fair article and said she didn’t know what the big deal was about exposing her breasts. This is the same woman who came down on Beyoncé for being provocative about three years ago. Watson misses the point: when you expose your body like that you are sending the message that your body is more important than your words. This makes me sad because it pressures young women to pose nude. As I will mention in my other blog post, 60% of female models feel they don’t have privacy to change at work and 85% of models were pressured to pose nude without prior consent. 

Celebrities like Kim Kardashian have made the nude selfie famous. But what happened to the uniqueness, beauty and specialness of the human body? Up until the 60s a good majority of Americans waited until they got married to have sex, but today most people have multiple sex partners before they get married. Nude selfies just cheapen the human body and just turn it into something ordinary to look at. They teach men to be voyerists and that women are to be looked at not respected. They teach women that in order to get male attention they may have to do something that makes them uncomfortable and risk being humiliated if they break up.

Women should be able to be sexual beings just like how men are, but you don’t see men posting nude selfies the same way as women are. I remember it wasn’t a huge deal when Justin Bieber’s bare behind was posted online, but when a Kardashian posts a picture it’s a huge deal. Men are in charge of their sexuality, but also are in charge a lot of the time of women’s sexuality. Women are told they can’t be sexual in the same way as men, and that their sexiness depends on how much they expose to men. 

Revenge porn is another big topic in today’s society that stems from the nude selfie. 9/10 Millenials admit to sending out a nude selfie and close to 60% say they would do it again. Upskirting was a trend in the 90s where predators would take pictures up a woman’s skirt (a crime that ironically happened to Emma Watson) without her consent. A Georgia Appeals Court in 2012 ruled that a woman’s private parts aren’t private because she’s in a grocery store. This is horrible and just contributes to humiliating behaviors that happen to women. 

Cosmopolitan, even though i disagree with them on their stance on porn, makes a good point that viewing the nude celebrity photos that were hacked is an act meant to humiliate women. Many commentators told the celebrities that they shouldn’t have taken pictures in the first place, but many like Jennifer Lawrence only took the pictures for their partners not the public. There were no leaked pictures of men. When Chris Brown posted his nude picture it wasn’t nearly as big of a deal as when the female celebrities were hacked. It sends a message that women should live in fear because if their private photos are hacked they’ll be distributed all over the internet. 

“Of the hundreds of nude celebrity photos…none are of men. That’s obviously not because men don’t have naked bodies usually shielded from the public eye… but because we see men as sexual agents, and we see their bodies as theirs. If a guy sends (or receives) a nude selfie, well, he’s a dude — he can be sexual and also intelligent and talented and a decent person. For women, though, the dissemination of a nude photo says you’re a slut.”

Revenge porn can happen to anybody. Holly Jacobs was a Ph. D candidate that moved hours away from her boyfriend, who was supportive of her. They dated for over three years and split amicably, or so Holly thought. There was no cheating or abuse, they just grew apart. Afterwards Holly spent years of hell getting her photos taken down from many websites. Her ex made a Facebook page with a nude selfie of her as the profile pic. A year or so later he leaked her email, office address and phone number along with more photos. Many websites offer details of how to contact these women. She would have had to spend $100k+ suing a man with no money to take down the photos. 4% of all Americans have been victims of revenge porn. 

It is sad because many people try to justify why revenge porn occurs, just like why rapes occur. It is about power and humiliation, not about sex. I have had friends who were victims of revenge porn, and it’s a horrible feeling to be plastered online without consent. Some people do legitimately feel empowered by their choices and I say good for them. Some people profit exponentionally for their choices, but most people later have regrets because they didn’t make good choices or rather it was not consentual. 

Nude photos are always going to exist, but it is important to take precautions if you want to share those with someone. When everyone takes nude selfies it cheapens the human body as a whole. Everyone has likely seen more than just one naked body in their life time thanks to the media, but we can all fight back. Don’t post pictures of yourselves online, but don’t visit websites where pictures are posted: you’ll never know 100% if you’re looking at consensual material. If you browse consensual material, you are sending a message to women that if they want to be validated then they have to take their clothes off. If you want to show women that they are deserving of respect do not look at sexual nude pictures. Rather, if you by chance come across a picture share how you feel about it with someone else so that way more people can join the fight. Know that if your partner is hurt by pornography that if you are honest that is the first step. 

Serial Killers and Pornography


This post was inspired by and suggested by G. 

* Disclaimer: I am not in any way trying to suggest that if you watch porn that you will become a serial killer. This blog post is just to juxtapose porn watching and the violent tendencies that can manifest within people.

Hello everyone. G suggested I write about porn and serial killers, so thank you for the suggestion G. 😃 I added the above disclaimer because this is a sensitive topic and I do not want anyone reading this to get the wrong idea from what I’m writing. Not everyone who watches porn is a serial killer, but most serial killers have a fascination with porn.

Net Nanny discusses how those with violent or aggressive tendencies may be more vulnerable to porn addiction and believing it is normal to act out violent fantasies. Jeffrey Dahmer used hardcore porn and porn of past victims when in the midst of his hunt for his next victim. Ted Bundy said porn had a “crystallizing effect” on him in the 1970s. John Wayne Gacy’s wife filed for divorce because he had a huge porn collection of underage boys.
Out of the above serial killers, I believe Ted Bundy is an important one in the study of porn addiction. In his final interview he even gives a warning about pornography and that was in the late 80s. I wonder what he’d say about porn today. Pure Intimacy writes about this addiction and how it influenced his crime spree in the 70s. Bundy was 13 when he found dirty magazines near his home and he was instantly mesmerized by them. His tolerance grew and so did his need for more violent and extreme images. He got off to women being tortured and killed. When movies and pictures were no longer enough Bundy went for the real thing. Bundy was charming, handsome and had a law background, he could lure women to his car easily. After raping the women and losing the climax, Bundy would brutally murder the women. When he was finally caught he killed/raped at least 28 women. Below is an excerpt of Bundy’s interview.

As a young boy of 12 or 13, I encountered, outside the home, in the local grocery and drug stores, softcore pornography. Young boys explore the sideways and byways of their neighborhoods, and in our neighborhood, people would dump the garbage. From time to time, we would come across books of a harder nature – more graphic. This also included detective magazines, etc., and I want to emphasize this. The most damaging kind of pornography – and I’m talking from hard, real, personal experience – is that that involves violence and sexual violence. The wedding of those two forces – as I know only too well – brings about behavior that is too terrible to describe.

Before we go any further, it is important to me that people believe what I’m saying. I’m not blaming pornography. I’m not saying it caused me to go out and do certain things. I take full responsibility for all the things that I’ve done. That’s not the question here. The issue is how this kind of literature contributed and helped mold and shape the kinds of violent behavior.

That’s one way to describe it – a compulsion, a building up of this destructive energy. Another fact I haven’t mentioned is the use of alcohol. In conjunction with my exposure to pornography, alcohol reduced my inhibitions and pornography eroded them further.

Those of us who have been so influenced by violence in the media, particularly pornographic violence, are not some kind of inherent monsters. We are your sons and husbands. We grew up in regular families. Pornography can reach in and snatch a kid out of any house today. It snatched me out of my home 20 or 30 years ago. As diligent as my parents were, and they were diligent in protecting their children, and as good a Christian home as we had, there is no protection against the kinds of influences that are loose in a society that tolerates….

I’m no social scientist, and I don’t pretend to believe what John Q. Citizen thinks about this, but I’ve lived in prison for a long time now, and I’ve met a lot of men who were motivated to commit violence. Without exception, every one of them was deeply involved in pornography – deeply consumed by the addiction. The F.B.I.’s own study on serial homicide shows that the most common interest among serial killers is pornographers. It’s true.

I hope that those who I have caused so much grief, even if they don’t believe my expression of sorrow, will believe what I’m saying now; there are those loose in their towns and communities, like me, whose dangerous impulses are being fueled, day in and day out, by violence in the media in its various forms – particularly sexualized violence. What scares me is when I see what’s on cable T.V. Some of the violence in the movies that come into homes today is stuff they wouldn’t show in X-rated adult theatres 30 years ago.

What frightens me is that this was in 1989, things have changed since Bundy’s interview. NBC News has an interview with Elizabeth Smart, a young woman who was abducted and brutally raped for 9 months. She says that her abducter, Brian David Mitchell, watched lots of porn and it made him rape her more. He abducted her at age 14. Smart says “Looking at pornography wasn’t enough for him. Having sex with his wife after looking at pornography wasn’t enough for him…He just always wanted more.” He got her drunk and forced her to fulfill his fantasies. He made her look at hardcore pornograpghy and reenact things she saw with him. Smart says she doesn’t know if she wouldn’t have been abducted if Mitchell didn’t look at porn, but says it made her ordeal much worse.

Fight the New Drug discusses this correlation and also mentions Ms. Smart and Mr. Bundy. More than 33 studies have shown that non-violent and violent porn exposure leads to more aggressive tendencies, having violent fantasies and committing crimes like rape and murder. Not all porn viewers are criminals, but most violent criminals have a strong interest in porn that usually goes back to about 10 or 11 years old. FTND says;

Whereas these cases are not the norm for the average porn viewer, it is clear from these cases that pornography has indeed played a strong role in the lives of many noted rapes and murders. We already know that pornography normalizes sexual violence, and for some with already violent tendencies, viewing this material clearly does not help.

Finally I wanted to post Brittany’s story. Brittany was sexually assaulted by a porn addict. She is the Executive Director for We Are One in Three. Brittany met Jason and thought he was a perfect church goer, she had a weird feeling about him but ignored it. He was controlling, made mean comments and tried to force her to go faster than she was ready to. One day he told her he had a pornography addiction for the past 6 years, it was a daily problem. He also blamed his ex and depression for his addiction. For Brittany this was a deal breaker: she didn’t want to date a porn addict. Her roommate told her to leave him, but Jason wouldn’t let her leave. One night she went to his home and told him she’d stay for a moment. Jason ended up raping her and told her it was good for their relationship. Brittany threw up and when he let her go she drove home hysterically. Jason was her coworker and resigned. Brittany went to the police and told them what happened, they took her information down but said she probably wouldn’t win because of her previous relationship with Jason.

After her rape, Brittany struggled to date and deal with judgement from her peers. She had a panic attack the day that she went to work and he was supposed to be there. She had a second panic attack and took a semester off after seeing Jason at school. Brittany found strength in going to support groups with other victims.

Pornography is a slippery slope. Those who view  porn at a young age are more likely to turn to more aggressive pornography and violent imagery that doesn’t necessarily relate to porn. They are also more likely to support statements that say women are deserving of rape. When you view it at a young age you become desensitized to violence and sex, and you need stronger stuff to give you the same effect that the original gave you, just like with drugs. Paired with drugs and alcohol, porn can be a gateway to violence against women. Like Ted Bundy said, most serial killers and rapists have a strong fascination with porn. We need to keep this in mind when we browse online and get tempted to look at pornography. Think about the fact that the people you’re looking at may be coerced and that it isn’t real. That what you are watching may influence sexual assaults.