Why Might Your Partner Lie About Porn and What You Can Do to Stop It.

Hello everyone. I wanted to write a blog post on a popular question that porn partners (who seem to be mostly women) have: why does my partner lie to me about pornography? As someone who has been in that position before, it’s hurtful and you often don’t understand why you’re being lied to. 

The first reason someone might lie about porn is shame. If you’re a Christian, the Bible and Jesus alike teach us porn/masturbation are wrong because it takes away from the experiences we’re supposed to share solely with our partners. Due to the fallibility of human beings, we make mistakes and are not perfect. This leads to many men being swept up in the whole porn fiasco. Many men and women are exposed at around the age of 8-10 nowadays. Most people don’t have an adult relationship until around 16, so that leaves a lot of time to develop a porn habit. When confronted by a romantic partner the addict panics and resorts to lying in order to keep the partner and the porn.

Another reason someone may lie about porn is because of being taught to do so by someone that the addict looks up to. G looked at porn at around 10. His mother and grandmother both caught him and were upset. He did not understand why and his father talked to him about it. His father said to make sure his mother and grandmother never see it, but not that watching porn on the family computer was disrespectful to his mother and grandmother. Many males have reported scenarios like this, and were taught by their fathers that porn is okay but that females are wrong in how they react to it.

Many porn addicts don’t believe porn is inherently wrong. Because of the fine line between physical and emotional cheating, along with porn, it’s easy to disrespect your partner and not feel that it’s cheating. Many say it’s disrespectful and wrong, but not cheating. This is merely semantics and if your partner says they feel it crosses their boundaries you just shouldn’t do it. Many addicts lie about their porn habits because they want to avoid fighting about it with their partners. It often takes a critical threshold to be reached before an addict can face the music. G and I argued about porn many times. I’d find it in his history and he’d say it was old or that he was unsure how it got there. Even knowing it hurt me wasn’t enough for a long time. It took him trying to stop, failing and being caught for him to want to put more effort in. Since that day 5 months ago today, he’s had minor slips but hasn’t watched videos or browsed porn sites.

Just because your partner keeps failing with his addiction doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you. Porn is a difficult addiction to battle. It’s not like alcohol where you just have to avoid stores that sell it. Porn is online, in the stores, on the media, everywhere. Good intentions sometimes aren’t always enough. It takes sheer will power and discipline. Know that if your partner takes time to open up to you about the addiction that that is a great first step. G has built up strong self control but I know that at any moment something could trigger him. I choose to be supportive rather than angry. It helps because it makes him want to open up to me more.

You can’t choose how he progresses but you can choose how you react. Be calm and supportive, but don’t put up with being lied to either because that’s wrong. 

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