Tips to have a healthy sex life without Porn

Hello everyone! I’m sorry it’s been awhile since I’ve last posted, I just came back from my vacation, I’ve been job hunting, and I’ve been busy with work and school. I wanted to share some articles with you from a wonderful website called Mind, Body, Green. It shares exercise tips, dieting tips, meditating tips, relationship tips, etc. I read a few articles from their Sex and Relationships section: porn is mentioned a lot as something that is detrimental to a sexual and romantic relationship.

Daniel Dowling’s article is called “Is Your Dream Guy Missing This Key Trait?” It is written by a man who is a born again Christian and he gives women dating advice. I will list some quotes below that I liked from the article.

“A woman deserves her partner’s thoughts to be pure enough that she can trust him with all of her love for all of her life; that together, you can be an example for your kids and community; that you can trust him to look at other women with the dignity that they and their future partners deserve.”

“I pride myself on being a man whose thoughts would give you hope for finding a man. If I’m moved by your beauty, I thank God for you; I rejoice over the beautiful creation before me. Then, instead of imagining all the ways I’d jump your bones, I channel my desire upward—I pray for you.”

“I’m not a saint. In fact, five years ago I was the most depressingly average male in all of existence. I watched porn almost daily, masturbated just as much, and lived on my mom’s couch. If I were struck by your beauty, I’d save your image in my “spank bank.” Then I’d do everything in my power to charm away your resistance. With no job and no prospects, charm was all I had.”

“I gave up all the activities that had trained me to have selfish sexual thoughts—porn, masturbation, etc. That was over half of the battle. But the other half was how I responded to women in everyday life. And that was the hardest part.”

Daniel reminds us that porn and masturbation are selfish because it gives other people space in our minds for sexual thoughts that should be reserved for our significant other. It is one thing to appreciate beauty and another to lust over another woman.

The second article I chose was called “How Porn Actually Affects Your Relationship (According to Science)” by Rob Weiss. Notice that both articles are written by men, so far. Weiss says “Continued porn use over time almost doubles the likelihood of a couple getting divorced within the next four years,” and defines infidelity as “the breaking of trust that occurs when you keep intimate, meaningful secrets from your primary romantic partner.”

An overall decrease in relationship happiness and satisfaction, decreased sexual gratification within the relationship, and lack of contentment with the couple’s decision-making process

The more porn one person looks at, the less satisfying the relationship will be over time. Weiss says that when women use porn it can lead to higher sexual satisfaction because men usually consider women looking at porn to be “hot” and because men and women have different definitions of infidelity.

The final article is called “Why Being Sexually Free Means I Won’t Sleep With People On The First Date,” and is by Rishma Petraglia. She teaches us some business terms: value and investment.

Value is defined as the regard that something is held to deserve the importance, worth, or usefulness of a person, place, or thing.

Investment is defined as devoting one’s time, effort, or energy to a particular undertaking with the expectation of a worthwhile result.

Petraglia compares sleeping with someone on the first date versus after some time to giving a 7-year-old boy a bike right away versus making him wait for it. When he waited for it he took care of it, inflated the tires, kept it cleaned, etc. But when he was just given it, he wanted something else a few months later. He wasn’t invested in the bike and didn’t value it because he was just given it.

We have to love and respect ourselves, as well as our partners. G and I just celebrated two years together, and we value each other because we went slow. We have a lot invested in one another because we’ve been together so long. ❤️

How Can You Make Steps to Talk to Others About Pornography and its Harmful Effects?

Hello everybody! I decided to write this post because there are many people dealing with a loved one using pornography and it being detrimental to both of their lives, and these people don’t know how to spark the conversation with their loved ones. It is a difficult conversation for sure and you may be met with skepticism. It is impossible to change someone who does not want to be changed, and it is the definition of insanity to repeat behaviors over and over and expect different results. This blog post should hopefully give you some ideas on how to approach a loved one with a porn problem, and what to do if your talk does not go well.

Step #1: Planning the Talk

Before you go into this conversation with your loved one, it needs to be planned out and you have to know all the facts. How long has this person been using porn? How long has it been affecting your relationship? Is your sex life affected by their porn use? Do they neglect relationships or responsibilities to watch porn? You absolutely have to know the answers to these questions before you can think of approaching the person. If you don’t know these answers, you have to think to yourself/ask the loved one questions to get answers.

Step #2: Initiating the Talk

This is the hard part. First of all, you don’t want to go into this conversation in a hostile way. You’re a disgusting porn addict and I can’t take it anymore! This is a horrible way to handle the situation and you’ll push your loved one into a corner and they will shut down. Start off in a way like this: X, I wanted to discuss pornography with you. I’ve noticed it’s been having negative affects on your life and I want to help you help yourself. When you take this approach it makes the person more likely to listen to you.

Unfortunately, because porn is a taboo subject you may be lied to initially by the porn addict, about the amount of porn they watch, if they masturbate to it, what they watch, etc. You have to show them that they can trust you. Don’t get angry, sad or upset with the addict if they tell you the truth. If you feel they are lying, and you’ll know if they are, you have to keep a mental note of what they told you and have to go back to step one.

Step  #3: Following up

After you revise your talk and prepare yourself, you have to have a follow-up talk. There may be tears, explosive anger, or more lying. The person may not be ready to address any issues that they may have. You have to be patient and understanding, but you also have to keep your guard up. Know when the person is lying to you and don’t be afraid to tell them you know if they’re lying. Know that this issue is likely something they’ve been dealing with for 10+ years. It is not your fault, it is not because you’re not good enough for that person, or that they’re some sexual deviant. It has a hold on that person and they need your support. If you can come to an agreement, that’s great. The person has to be accountable to you or to someone else, and they have to be honest from here on out.

Step #4: Getting help for yourself

A step that many people in this situation neglect is that you yourself need help too, due to the mental and physical stress this addiction may be causing you. Whether it’s professionally, through keeping a journal or by talking to someone about it, you have to get your feelings out. It is difficult to deal with something like this on your own. Your mental sanity depends on you getting your feelings out. I do this by blogging, talking to my partner and confiding in good friends. It helps and I know I’d be more of a mess if I didn’t confide in someone.

As previously mentioned, this is not about you, your beauty, your sexuality, or you not being good enough. It is impossible to compete with billions of different women in photos or videos, so you can’t try. I’m learning I can’t do that myself, and I tried really hard and it was detrimental to my mental health. You have to love yourself, your body and your beauty. You have to know that this is an issue that plagues a majority of men (and a lot of women) today, and that all you can do is be supportive, listen and be there when they fall. It’s hard on us loved ones because we take it personally, we can’t deal with the stress, we try to force honesty when the other person isn’t ready to give us honesty, and it is just overall harmful to the relationship. But you can’t give up on the other person just because things get hard. Relationships are about sticking through good times and bad. It’s hard, especially if you are like me and feel porn is akin to cheating (in a romantic relationship) or makes for bad character (if you’re a friend/family member of an addict). Know that just because they have this addiction does not mean that they are not the same loved one you’ve known and loved.

In the end, you can’t force someone to change if they don’t want to. But you can be supportive and inform them so they can make an educated choice.

Turmoil.

Let me start off this blog post by saying that today has been porn free for a week. I am very proud of him, I know it is not always easy for him but I thank God everyday for allowing to find some form of salvation. ✞

I myself had an…interesting childhood. I was a shy kid and did not have a lot of friends. I got bullied throughout middle school, and somewhat in high school. When I was naïve and young, I did not understand how men were trying to manipulate me into exposing information about myself. At age 10 I dated a boy in 5th grade and he would kiss me, hold my hand and write me notes, only to get information about me that others could use to make fun of me with. I did not have a lot of friends. Without going into detail, from the age of around 12 or so I revealed information about myself that I should not have to strangers. I remember being 14 on a RPG based website and I found myself in a sort of relationship online. My brother and father noticed I was talking to him, freaked out and forbade me from talking to him again. Even so, I recall the man I was talking to online asking me for pictures, pressuring me to reveal my face and possibly other parts of myself. When I tried giving him fake pictures, he got mad at me and wouldn’t talk to me anymore. He wouldn’t even be my friend.

I choose not to let these circumstances define who I am. I turn 22 in a few weeks, I’m graduating college in May and I have a loving family, boyfriend and friends. I also suffer from depression and anxiety, so many issues in my life that may seem small to some are a lot more difficult for me to deal with. On the 21st it will be a year and seven months between G and I. remains my best friend, loving partner and a confidant. I am proud of him for beating drug and alcohol addictions. December 20 of this year will be 2 and a half years of being sober from hard drugs. When got out of rehab in July 2014, he started going to the gym 2x a day everyday, went to church with his family, and took a few months off from hanging out with his friends. Even when he resumed hanging out with his friends, he did not hang out with friends that continued to do drugs and drink. He has not relapsed

Throughout his life has always been a fighter and has worked hard on overcoming things. It is not always easy. G’s life hasn’t been easy. He tried seeking happiness in other outlets. I always try to say a prayer for because he is so strong and does so much to help others that he often forgets about helping himself. As a child of 11, was exposed to pornography and violent imagery by his best friend. Since then it’s been about chasing a high. Like with other drugs, you are always chasing that first, initial high. Porn is different than most drugs in the sense that even after years of sobriety it is easy to slip up and you still require strong stimuli Even though it is hurtful, I know that is not trying to hurt me and is doing his best to sort this addiction out like he did with the others. It is still difficult for me but I continue to pray daily for in hopes that he continues to make progress.

It is still very difficult for me. Every day I think about everything that has happened. I do my best to channel a majority of my feelings into blogging and helping others, but it does not remove some of the thoughts from my mind. I do my best to set aside my feelings in order to be objective and supportive of G. It is hard to deal with it sometimes. My family accuses me of being controlling and limiting his masculinity, on an app I use to track my period and interact with other women these women accuse me of the same thing, and there are more support groups for the addicts than the significant others of addicts.

I often question myself, if I am doing the right thing by helping G. It is very difficult to deal with on my own. I try to look past my own pain, insecurities and self-doubts to help the one I love. is the man that I am going to marry someday, and I want to support him. It hurts more than you could possibly know. For me, it is not even so much the pornography, but the secrecy involved. It makes you afraid of things that can trigger compulsion to view pornography, and it makes you afraid of being lied to again. The lies are what hurt more. It is overwhelming daily to wonder if it’ll happen and whether or not he’ll tell me. I’ve found out about several instances where he slipped up, and it took me confronting him for him to tell me the truth. He felt compelled to spare my feelings so he wouldn’t tell me a few times unless the evidence was there. It makes me feel not worthy of the truth sometimes. It makes me feel horrible for not being more approachable and calm with the subject so he will feel he can talk to me. I’m trying so hard to be calm and supportive of him so he will tell me. It’s like a knife being dug into my heart. It would make me feel more secure and better if he told me every time he slipped up because it would show me he’s being accountable. I know he is trying and does not intend on certain things causing him to slip up, but my hopes are that someday he will feel more comfortable talking to me about this so when he slips up he can just tell me. I try very hard to be approachable, but it does not take away the pain. But for now I try to deal with it on my own, and be supportive of him. I will be happy when he is no longer afflicted with this addiction.

Porn Kills Love, But Love Can Conquer Anything.

My own story.

More often than not, people are exposed to pornography at a young age. Here are some alarming statistics from Covenant Eyes (click here for more information):

93% of boys and 62% of girls have been exposed to pornography by the time they’re 18.

83% of boys and 57% of girls have seen group sex on the internet. 

32% of boys and 18% of girls have seen bestiality on the internet. 

18% of boys and 10% of girls have seen rape or other sexual violence on the internet.

15% of boys and 9% of girls have seen child pornography.

Only 3% of boys and 17% of girls have not seen pornography online.

These statistics are quite disconcerting to say the least. When I asked several men in my life how old they were and how they were exposed to pornography, many said they were exposed by age 10-12, and they were shown pornography by a friend, family member, or through media. But this article isn’t going to be about generalities and semantics, but rather my own experiences.

I believe the first time I was exposed to pornography was at age 10. I was in a Yahoo! Messenger chatroom. Being 10 I wanted to make some friends because I didn’t have many in real life. I remember an adult man asking me how old I was, and then preceding to flash me his penis. It was the first time I recall seeing a penis. At around age 12 I caught my brother watching pornography, and I couldn’t see with my father but I believe he was looking at stuff he shouldn’t have been because he screamed at me to leave the room and said not to go in the computer room when he was using it without permission. As a teenager I had looked at pornography on my own a few times. I had a reaction to it and realized how powerful sexual imagery was. I even wrote my own fan fiction for awhile, feeling powerful as my fingers typed away sexual thoughts/fantasies of mine into a storyline.

When I was in high school a boy tricked me into describing personal things about me, my body and my sexuality. A “friend” told me he’d save my pictures to masturbate to. Another “friend” would ask me for naked pictures of myself.

I did not really start hating pornography until I was around 18. One of my high school friends had had bad luck with boyfriends and she posted a Facebook status about how she would not date a man who used pornography. I was curious and talked to her, and she explained how through her faith and her experiences with men who used it that it was something she didn’t want for herself. I started researching more and found alarming statistics. I found out that many women were coerced in some way, whether it was physical force, financial reasons, wanting attention, etc. I heard about the rumored snuff films, and I realized something; what is the difference between someone on screen or someone in person?

Even with that knowledge and those convictions in mind, it was different because I hadn’t had a boyfriend. Until April 2015. I started going out with a sweet, funny, handsome and lovable man from work. The first few months I was naïve and in puppy love, thinking to myself: I’m so in love with him and am not sexually attracted to anyone else. I don’t need or want pornography so he won’t either. But I also had a naïve idea that all men would watch it regardless of feelings and that I’d scare him off, so I told him I didn’t have any problems with it. To make matters more complicated I’m demisexual. When I first found out my boyfriend used pornography, last October, it hurt. A lot. It felt like a knife had been driven into my heart.

My boyfriend informed me he had been exposed to pornography at around age 10 by a friend. So it’s been part of his life for 12 years. It had been a nearly everyday, multiple times a day problem for 11 of those 12 years. When he found out I didn’t like it, he started working hard to battle it. He’s slipped up 3 times since last October, I found. At first I thought it was an issue of his past, but through me being open, understanding and judgement free, I found it was an issue that still haunted him. He had previously stated that it was not a huge part of his life, that it’s not cheating, not a big deal, that he’ll stop, etc.

It’s been a long road. Until last week, although I had suspicions, I thought he hadn’t slipped up at all. He told me everything was going well and that I was free to check his phone. The few times I checked I didn’t find anything. But last week when I saw it right in my face it stung. It felt very close to being cheated on. It was a very thin line. I showed him this article and it made him realize it was a very thin line. It made him realize what a lot of women (and men) feel when they find their partner using pornography. When this realization of his occurred, it allowed both of our healings to begin.

I think about porn all the time. Not in the way of an addict, but the way of someone who’s been traumatized for it. Throughout all of this, I’m thankful for my boyfriend. I love him more than anything in the world. I’m thankful for his courage to stand up and acknowledge it’s a problem plaguing him and many other men. And that’s the first step to healing. It’s the first of many for a long road. I’m beginning to help my boyfriend reach a year without porn. It was his first initial efforts that showed me he was a man worthy of being my husband and the father of my children. He stopped the MO aspect of PMO, but couldn’t stop the P aspect. And together we’ll beat the P aspect. We’re going to avoid triggers together and he’s going to be accountable to me. And this time next year he’ll be a year free from porn.

Like all bad habits, pornography has to be stepped on. It’s difficult with all the sexual imagery out there, but together men and women are standing up to the porn industry. Many men are part of NoFap, Fight the New Drug, sex positivity and anti pornography, feminist groups, etc. Men and women need to band together and love one another, and show one another respect. Some people don’t care about porn use in their relationships, some even watch it together. But this blog is for all the people who hate their partner’s porn use, because it makes them feel not good enough, unattractive, sexually not appealing, and who just don’t want them or someone they love supporting an industry that runs off of damaged people.

Granted, some men and women in the porn industry feel empowered. But the porn industry gets a good majority of its actors and actresses from damaged upbringings. Much like drugs, the porn industry promises a feeling of euphoria to all who join, a sense of community, much like a social clique. But in the end, it is not normal to gain personal or sexual satisfaction when you’re likely watching a woman who was physically/sexually abused be degraded on camera for money. End of story.

I hope my own experiences can help give hope to other men and women who both struggle with this issue, or who have a partner who is. Remember Porn Kills Love, But Love Can Conquer Anything.